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Rodney · 06-25-2006, 01:35 PM

Guys don't always understand that most women need more to talk things aloud out to process them. He's maybe thinking that there's something he's supposed to do to make it all better, some thing you're asking him to take care of. And he can't figure out what it is.

Of course, you're not asking him to take care of/take charge of anything. You're talking about your feelings and asking for opinions, reality checks, and support. That's how most women do things. Took me a long time to figure that out; I thought I was being presented with a problem that I was somehow supposed to solve or make better, and it was confusing and frustrating.

So step 1 is to make clear what your expectations are when you talk about painful issues. Tell him he isn't expected to "make it all go away," but simply help you process your problem

Step 2 is to take a good look about how much you're talking about this. When something triggers a memory, do you need someone to be with you and talk you down for an hour? Two hours? If the topic keeps coming up fairly often, and at length, it may be too much for him. And he'd have some reason to feel that way. Of course, if your feelings impact your preferences in the relationship, you certainly have the right -- maybe even a duty -- to explain where your preferences are coming from.

If you're going through a bad patch right now, start seeing a therapist to get you it. If it's particularly bad, it's unfair to put all the support duties on the boyfriend. You need to be seeing a pro. At the very least, find a crisis support group.

I'm sure you're going to get a lot of different advice, especially since we don't all know that much background; each person's advice will be informed by their own background. My background includes a live-in girlfriend who needed an hour of my complete attention every night while she talked out all the traumas of her day. Then two hours. She really did have problems, but I couldn't address them and she wouldn't get help. In the end, I had to leave. It felt like I had no life anymore.

06-25-2006, 01:35 PM	#3 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	Guys don't always understand that most women need more to talk things aloud out to process them. He's maybe thinking that there's something he's supposed to do to make it all better, some thing you're asking him to take care of. And he can't figure out what it is. Of course, you're not asking him to take care of/take charge of anything. You're talking about your feelings and asking for opinions, reality checks, and support. That's how most women do things. Took me a long time to figure that out; I thought I was being presented with a problem that I was somehow supposed to solve or make better, and it was confusing and frustrating. So step 1 is to make clear what your expectations are when you talk about painful issues. Tell him he isn't expected to "make it all go away," but simply help you process your problem Step 2 is to take a good look about how much you're talking about this. When something triggers a memory, do you need someone to be with you and talk you down for an hour? Two hours? If the topic keeps coming up fairly often, and at length, it may be too much for him. And he'd have some reason to feel that way. Of course, if your feelings impact your preferences in the relationship, you certainly have the right -- maybe even a duty -- to explain where your preferences are coming from. If you're going through a bad patch right now, start seeing a therapist to get you it. If it's particularly bad, it's unfair to put all the support duties on the boyfriend. You need to be seeing a pro. At the very least, find a crisis support group. I'm sure you're going to get a lot of different advice, especially since we don't all know that much background; each person's advice will be informed by their own background. My background includes a live-in girlfriend who needed an hour of my complete attention every night while she talked out all the traumas of her day. Then two hours. She really did have problems, but I couldn't address them and she wouldn't get help. In the end, I had to leave. It felt like I had no life anymore.