abaya

This statement resounded for me. I was a fervent evangelical for all of my teen and college years, and right around your age (20?) I was reading too much for my own good (or, lots for my own good, but not good for my faith). I read a lot of both Christian and secular scholarship on the topic of Christianity, and in accord with my own exposure to other cultures and the world at large, it just wouldn't hold water anymore. Believe me, I TRIED to let it hold water... I kept going to church, kept reading/analyzing the Bible and scholarly literature, etc. I prayed and kept a relationship with God for many years after that, though my philosophy of prayer was being transformed along with my faith.

But at some point, I had to stop trying to plug all the holes because there were just too many. I should say, the last literature I got into was Thomas Merton... he both helped me stay in the fold, and to leave it. David James Duncan, too... pick up his books for some good thinkin' material. The Brothers K is phenomenal for an examination of American Christianity, all in a novel about baseball.

So, once I started to drift (e.g. God wasn't in every other sentence I used), I knew my friends would be praying for me. I didn't care if they did or didn't... I knew what they were thinking, because that's how I was trained to think about those who "left the fold," too. The devil was leading them astray... they had allowed sin and worldly temptations to cloud their vision, etc. And then there I was, sinner and all... and it started coming out, years later. Funny how it is, a *bit*, like being gay. Most of my friends took a few steps back from me, which hurt... but what was I going to do? Did they really love me, or did they love the fact that I was an evangelical Christian, too?

The shit really started hitting the fan when I began my relationship with ktspktsp, an atheist Arab. You can JUST imagine how people reacted (or hid their reactions) then. You really start to see who yours friends are, then. I can tell you right now that any of my friends who have not fully embraced ktspktsp, I have pretty much kicked out of my life. If they can't accept the person I'm dating for who he is, and trust me to make my own decisions, then I have no interest in remaining friends with them. And I mean, some of these people were very, very close friends.

My parents, well... they actually converted because of me, believe it or not. They were good heathens before that. So as I have walked away from the faith, they have really been shocked that I would do that... I mean, I was hard core evangie, and no one thought I would walk away (esp. after going to an evangie university). But I did. My mom asked a lot of questions, and I answered them as truthfully as I could. My dad accepted me, though I think he still assumes I'll go back to the church when I'm older. In the end, they loved me anyway. I credit that to their being human first, Christians second. Unless your parents are total asshats, there's not a whole lot you can do to make them stop loving you, once they get used to the change.

Anyway, that's my rambling story. Feel free to PM me if you want. Oh, and about talking with your Christian friends before your parents... fine and all, but beware that they are going to have their biases, too. They probably want to pray with you and such and such, to bring you back to their "side." They're well-meaning, but listen to your own heart.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran