I've been working on the same issue in my counseling for quite a while, and I have steadily learned to be more assertive (instead of passive-aggressive) over time. It takes a lot of work and realizing what "flips the switch," analyzing one's reaction, etc. I have had to observe my own behavior carefully and look back to the original stimulus... eventually I start to recognize patterns. Now I try to vocalize quickly and assertively when something bothers me... but it's not always easy. I believe it truly takes years of cognitive work, once you recognize it and want to change. Have you tried counseling?
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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran
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