KirStang

Hi, I have a bit of a problem. I've come to identify that i'm very passive/aggressive. Frequently, I get my toes step on, my friends will eat food I bought and leave me none. I tend to get pretty angry, but I don't confront the problem then. However, if they step on my toes again, I tend to lash out. I'm wondering if I can have any advice so that whenever something pisses me off, I can address and fix the problem then....any suggestions would greatly help, thanks.

abaya

I've been working on the same issue in my counseling for quite a while, and I have steadily learned to be more assertive (instead of passive-aggressive) over time. It takes a lot of work and realizing what "flips the switch," analyzing one's reaction, etc. I have had to observe my own behavior carefully and look back to the original stimulus... eventually I start to recognize patterns. Now I try to vocalize quickly and assertively when something bothers me... but it's not always easy. I believe it truly takes years of cognitive work, once you recognize it and want to change. Have you tried counseling?

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for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Toaster126

Sounds like you already know the answer. When things piss you off, address and fix the problem then instead of later.

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savvypup

Yep, stand up for yourself now! The reason they do this is because you've always let them do it and now you feel like you'd be the bad person if you stood up for yourself right? From my experience, the worst thing to do is loose your cool. Cause people who've never seen you explode before, think there's something wrong with you. Just calmly tell them you don't appreciate being treated or your home being treated that way.

I have to constantly remind myself that I'm not a bad person for having my own opinion even if it may clash with others. That's how I feel and stuff you all if you feel different ....... or in your case, replace what you eat or leave!

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ciao bella!

Sultana

Practice confrontation without loosing your cool, by yourself, before an incident happens.

And don't necessarily wait until something happens to "protect" yourself. If someone's coming over who tends to, say, eat your food, then when they head towards the kitchen tell them calmly but in a tone that brooks no disagreement, "Don't eat my food."

Don't let them make you explain anything, "Don't eat my food" is pretty self-explainitory. You don't have to defend yourself. Just make the statement, calm and confident, like there will be no arguement--sometimes that alone prevents *discussion*, lol. Do not let them drag you into a discussion. This is your rule, the end.

Then think of other rules you need to enforce for your life to be the way you want it to be. And do it.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Cynthetiq

I'm going to add, that since you have not been assertive before (could be read as CONFRONTATIONAL) you will probably fee like a dick or an asshole afterwards. This is normal to some degree, because well, standing up for yourself and your rights, is selfish.

It doesn't mean that you should continue to feel that way it will pass especially when it's done without malice or real anger.

Ways you can say things could be like:

"Dude are you going to buy me another one?"

"Will you pick up the next set of groceries?"

"Could you be so kind as to not eat the last <insert food here>?"

While the key is to try to do it the moment it happens, you can go back later and say something like,"You know when I went to the fridge a moment ago there was nothing left, you could be so kind as to not eat the last one."

good luck.

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abaya

Good call, Cyn. This is an issue I come up against quite a bit... I hate feeling like an asshole when I'm trying to stand up for myself, especially to people who aren't used to me taking control of the situation and being assertive. In the end, though, it comes down to a "good" kind of selfishness (which I believe does exist), where calling one's one comfort boundaries is necessary for mental sanity and stability, and in fact it's necessary for conducting healthier relationships in general.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Jinn

For those I've helped rid themselves of passive-agressiveness, one rule seemed to help them all equally.

If you haven't asserted your desire or told the other person what bothered you about a situation in one day, you have to forgive and forget. You have one day to let the other person know how you feel, why you feel that way, and why they should care. If you fail to let them know, it's YOUR fault. They won't know unless you tell them. You have ONE day to let your feelings be known. After that, you've dropped the ball - not them. If they eat your food and you say nothing, they have no way of knowing that it bothers you. If you haven't told them in a day, they're going to continue doing it because they're oblivious (or pretending to be oblivious) to the concern it causes you. Unless you're firm and vocal about your needs and desires, people will make many assumptions about what you're okay with. There are things my friends may do around other people, but as part of a mature relationship my friends and I have established what OUR rules are. Everyone has different rules, and unless you tell them -- they'll never know. The "one day" idea just strengthens the rule; you have a deadline. You have ONE DAY to tell them. Do it now!

One caveat; if you continue to express (a) why it bothers you, (b) why you feel the way you do and (c) why they should care, and they continue to disregard your advising, then you would be better served mentally to remove them from the list of people you care about.

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