I've been called on for giving choices too. 'You let her dye her hair BLUE??' No.....I dyed her hair blue when she asked
'You let them watch The Simpsons???' Uh, yea...if they don't like it or something, they'll stop watching. (I think kids know when they're watching a cartoon)
'Why won't she wear something besides black? You should make her wear something else.' Because she wants black. Her choice.
When they're two or three, asking them what they want without presenting clear choices just frustrates them. There was many a time, even with giving them a choice between two things, they couldn't make up their minds, so I would choose, which has an amazing affect on speeding up their thought process.Still does, too.
But what was a choice of shirts 10 years ago has grown to a choice of friends, a choice of high school classes, a choice of doing the right thing or not.
My mom was horrifed that I would let them take apart my sofas and jump on them-that'd ruin the sofas! My family and neighbors were horrified that I not only allowed them to crayon the walls (ok, not allowed per se but I didn't punish them for it), I kept their 'art' there for years. The way I see it, though, childhood is so short, so temporary...once they're adults, they're adults til they die. Adolescence is angst and drama and testing everyone's limits-why should I make it more trouble than it is for all of us? The sooner they discover who they are and where they may fit in the world, the better it is for everyone, but especially them. How I wish my parents had tried this....I'm 3/4 done with my time here and still trying to find my round hole to fit into.