My post is long-winded. The basic question is, do any of you see orgasm in intercourse as a pleasure but not always the ultimate goal? Or am I an aberration looking for some sort of justification.
I have had a new and special lady in my life for a few months now. Before her I was separated for a year, living in a sexual desert. Before that I was married for 25 years.
With the ex, as time went on, I found that from time to time during intercourse I didn't cum. It was no biggie for me. I even would masturbate and stop before I cum, not as a plan but just because it feels good but the release isn't what I am after. I enjoy sex, but unless I am actually feeling discomfort i.e. blueballs the orgasm itself is great but not mandatory. I have read different times and in different contexts how a man who refrains from orgasm is retaining some vital energies which can have positive effects (I am sure tantric sexperts could quote chapter and verse here). My problem is that my lady wants me to cum every time, and I don't/won't/can't. I cum a couple of times one day, and go without cumming through multiple bouts of intercourse the next time. My lady gets vicarious pleasure from my release, and finds the sensations and signals when I do cum to be a tremendous plus. Also, she feels like a failure if I don't cum.
When I wanted to cum but lost the edge, or the erection, or got tired or whatever I originally thought it was different things like worrying about birth control, or her monthlies, or the youngsters nearby that kept some of the orgasms from happening. My lady reminded me that I am an old man (I turn 50 next year while she is just turned 40) which makes lots of sense and is something I am ok with. Age happens. My lady has this need to know (she's a scientist, after all
). So she had a chat about it with her brothers, and raised it with her therapist. They feel I am rather odd. Bizarre. Not something to be understood. The therapist mentioned "projective identification" as a possible cause.
"Projective Identification is where the individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by falsely attributing to another his or her own unacceptable feelings, impulses, or thoughts. Unlike simple projection, the individual does not fully disavow what is projected. Instead, the individual remains aware of his or her own affects or impulses but mis-attributes them as justifiable reactions to the other person. Not infrequently, the individual induces the very feelings in others that were first mistakenly believed to be there, making it difficult to clarify who did what to whom first."
The therapist wondered if part of me feels, in comparison to my lady, that I haven't achieved enough with my life, ie. been a failure. I project that into her by not achieving orgasm, and she experience a sense of failure. Projective identification. Just so you all know I am a blue collar factory worker in a dead end job with a failed marriage and not much contact with my 2 oldest children (not relationship problems, but not much contact). My lady is very, very accomplished. She also is a very attractive, adventurous and giving lover who is hot, lubricious and open-minded. Damn but she is fine
She feels I could seek input from other men about my non-orgasm/sexual disfunction/quirk - bring it up in discussions using positive spin. Brag about my stamina and selfless generosity as a lover. Describe how my new woman marvels at this ability and wonders if I am an Adonis or whether all older men are like this. After all, I am talking about incredible stamina. But that is not entirely true. Sometimes I just am not going to come, and I run out of gas, or give up, or try again later. Or enjoy the contact and the cuddle and feel great about the whole thing. After all, I will get laid again, I will cum sooner or later.
I repeat, my post is long-winded. The basic question is, do any of you see orgasm in intercourse as a pleasure but not always the ultimate goal? Or am I an aberration looking for some sort of justification.