NoSoup

I suppose it is best to begin at the beginning, but I'm not so certain as to where that is...

Although I don't think I have ever really posted anything related to my family on the TFP, I am unsure as to what to do at this point, and would really appreciate some sound guidance as to where to go.

I'll start off saying that I haven't really been raised in the traditional sense - to make a long story short, without boring you, most of my life has been just me living with my father, with my half brother living with us part of the time.

My half brother is much older than I - he is 35 while I am only 22. We were never really that close while I was growing up, for obvious reasons, Additionally, we are fundamentally different, he's big into hunting and drinking beer and country music and all that jazz, where I am pretty much the complete opposite. However, we do both have one trait in common - we are both incredibly stubborn. Unfortunately, whereas I am occasionally willing to listen to the other side of the argument and change my opinion, my half brother is not. He believes what he says goes, without any exceptions. Obviously, we had quite a few personality conflicts as I was growing up.

Moving on - he still lives with my father. Oddly enough, he got married a couple of years ago and so does his wife and her child. (from a previous marriage) To be honest, I can't even fathom why - he has lived with my father for many years - and his wife is nearing her forties. My father just turned fifty, so it's quite the interesting household, I imagine.

Anyway, enough background, and on to the central problem...

He is not, in my opinion, ready to be a father - not by a long shot. He recently impregnated his wife so that he could have a child of his own (she had to go and get her tubes un-tied to do this, it wasn't an accident)

However, I don't believe he feels any real attachment to his wife's 15 year old daughter, the one that is living with them. I don't think he fully understands that he is, in fact, her stepfather, as I am her Uncle.

She just moved here approximately one year ago from Montana - she had been living with her father in quite a small town.

Her living situation was pathetic, and her mother had to fight tooth and nail for custody for her - amazing, since her father was pretty much a deadbeat.

In essence, my niece was ripped away from everything she knew and nearly everyone she loved (with the exception of her mother, of course) and put in a rather ridiculous household that I'm sure is difficult to live in - I moved out when I was 18. She didn't come willingly, but by order of the court.

For the last year she has pretty much been grounded non-stop, for a random variety of things, none of them really a big deal. (Talking on the phone too late, things like that)

Everything apparently culminated last night, though, when she was arrested for Operating a vehicle under the influence (she blew a .01, (the legal limit in Green Bay is .008) Operating a vehicle without a license, (she just turned 15) attempting to elude a police officer, and Grand Theft Auto, a felony offence.

I was absolutely blown away. I couldn't, and still can't believe it. Her hearing is tomorrow, so I'll know more of what happened, but from what I gather she must have walked out of the house after her mother went to bed, and apparently stumbled across a car a few blocks away with the keys in it. She hopped in and drove off. A police officer attempted to pull her over because she didn't have headlights on, and she accelerated sharply, lost control of the vehicle (spun out in the middle of the street, no damage to the vehicle) got out and ran and hid. The officer, oblivious that he was chasing a 15 year old girl who probably weights all of 100 pounds, pulled out his gun and tackled her to the ground in the dark. From my understanding, she tried to resist still and was bruised all over her arms, back, and face from the officer attempted to restrain her/tackling her.

Un-fucking-Real...

Please keep in mind that I would have never expected this from her, and for something like this to happen is incomprehsible. I haven't spoken to her, as she is in the juvenile detention center, but she has a hearing tomorrow afternoon, which I'll attend.

When she first arrived here, I tried my best to be more of a friend to her rather than an authorative figure. She has enough of those, and I really think that that is how you keep kids on the right path. I have experience dealing with a younger cousin of mine that was always into a lot of trouble, but have no kids of my own. My personal philosophy is mutual respect. I would talk to her for hours about how she misses her friends and family out in Montana, and try to guide her through current situations (peer pressure, feelings of inadequacy, the constant punishment) from a point of view not too dissimilar from her own. I lived in the house, hell - she sleeps in my old bedroom. It does get better once you are out on your own, but you have to put up with it until that time comes. In the meantime, focus on your education - start saving money for college. Perhaps I am kidding myself, but I think that I had more of an impact on her than her overbearing stepfather or her mother. I don't mean to give the impression that either one of them are bad people, but I don't think either one of them are very good parents - they are too far removed from the situation.

Anyway, probably about four or five months ago my half brother and his wife got into quite the argument with me. The basically felt that I was trying to undermine their authority, and blamed me for a lot of problems that they were having with their daughter. For example, I told their daughter that if she ever needed anything - a place to stay, money, a ride, whatever the case may be - she should call me first. I wanted her to know that I was going to be there for her no matter what - even if her parents weren't. I understand on a basic level why her parents would be upset with me for saying this, but at the same time, if she were to run away or something like that, I would much prefer that she came to my house - where I know she is safe, and I know where she is, rather than try to live on the streets or something like that.

At the end of the evening, although I disagreed with them, I thought perhaps I wasn't being objective, and agreed not to talk to their daughter about really anything important to see if that helped out their relationship with her and improved her behavior.

One night, my niece approached me and in hushed tones told me that she was no longer allowed to speak with me at all, and started crying. My half brother happened to walk in the house at exactly that moment and yelled at her to get into her room (she was grounded, big surprise)

I haven't really spoken to her since - the occasional Hello or whatever, but nothing like the talks we used to have that I think made life bearable to her.

As it stands, my half brother is not really speaking to me anymore (for a variety of reasons) and my once fine relationship with my sister in law is strained because of my half-brother's grudge against me, as well as the fact she thinks I'm trying to undermine her authority as a parent, when I was just trying to look out for her daughter.

So, folks, my question is, what - if anything - can I do to help my niece get her life on track? I'm at a total loss as to what to do, and I certainly don't ever want anything like this to happen again. I feel as though my hands are tied, but I would be willing to sacrifice my relationship with my half-brother and his wife for the time being instead of just sitting idley by watching my niece waste her life away.

As far as my father's stance is concerned, he doesn't think I should get involved. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't, but it is just so difficult to go over to his house (I visit every Sunday) and watch her life disintigrate. She is incredibly unhappy, and I don't really see any light at the end of the tunnel in the near future...

Thoughts? Opinions? Please be honest, I won't take offence.

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