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Originally Posted by abaya
I think it is unfair to not let them know. But I guess as I think more about this, it is less about the flirting business and more about other things. (Like I said, I really don't mind talking about sex, etc. with a comfortable group of people... like most of my friends. But just not this couple in particular... because of the way the friendship has been with me and the guy.)
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I'm getting the picture that (1) you probably didn't set down as clear boundaries as you should have, and (2) that the whole thing makes you feel icky. To that, I say 'too bad for him.' Sure, the fact that you had squirrely boundaries objectively makes him less scummy than he seems to you... but that doesn't change the fact that he makes you uncomfortable. Are you responsible for his emotional well-being or your own?
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Originally Posted by abaya
Is it shallow of me to just want a "Christmas-card friendship" (you know what I mean, like calling/writing once a year with updates, that's it)? Can I actually ask someone for that? And honestly, if the guy doesn't want that, then I am fine with having no friendship at all. I just don't want some intense thing like what we had before.
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It's completely reasonable to want that, especially given the situation. In my own experience, most of the people I want to banish to casual friendship land are the kind of people who don't just automatically get it when I tell them so. It doesn't make sense to them the way it makes sense to me. (That's usually part of why I need to change the nature of our friendship.) Using your words doesn't seem to be working, so maybe you should consider letting your actions speak for you.
A wise friend once told me that you teach people how to interact with you - that you can train people the same way you can train dogs. Reward them for appropriate behavior and don't let them get away with inappropriate behavior. Don't feel obligated to return his calls or emails right away. Don't feel obligated to make dates to hang out with him/them as often as he wants. Do only what you are comfortable with, and eventually, he will have to adapt to your idea of positive interactions or he will have to cope with you not being around for his version.
It doesn't sound like he's going to magically figure out that he's
too much all of a sudden, so maybe you need to take control of the intake valve now. It may sound cold-hearted and manipulative, but these are tools you sometimes need to use to take care of yourself.