abaya

Has anyone ever had to break off a friendship (similar to breaking up a relationship, but with someone completely platonic)? I don't mean just letting it "fade away" in the natural manner of friends falling out of touch, etc. I mean an actual, conscious, telling that person, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore," or "I no longer want to be in contact with you," type of thing.

The story: I have known this guy for about ten years, and we were really intense friends in college. There was a lot of flirting and sexual tension, but I really had no feelings for the guy in that manner after an initial crushing period (we met freshman year). We never did anything at all, and it wasn't a major temptation, believe me.

He met a nice girl our senior year, they got engaged a couple years later, and married in fall 2003. The weird part was that the flirting and sexual openness continued, both in front of and behind the wife, and I started to feel more uncomfortable with that. But I didn't know how to draw boundaries then, so I tried to go along with it and play cool.

Let me say that I was one of the maids-of-honor in their wedding, which in itself was a huge dramatic event (her family didn't like him, so she basically divorced herself from them... yep, both parents and two sisters were "disinvited" from the wedding). That was probably when I started to feel most uncomfortable with them... I didn't like them cutting off an entire half of their family, and I didn't like the type of interaction we had together. It always seemed like my problem, not theirs, so I kept trying to ignore it.

Things came to a head in June 2004, about 8 months after their wedding, soon after I started dating ktspktsp. He and I were taking a road trip and decided to stop by the aforementioned friend's house to stay the night. We ended up (four of us; the married couple, and me and ktspktsp) in their hot tub in the backyard, and the friend started a game of "truth or dare." Yeah.

He started asking me "how far I'd gone," what my "favorite sexual position" was, etc... just directing every question right at me. There were some dares involving getting naked and walking around the yard. I was still trying to play along like it was cool, but the whole thing REALLY shook me up. I let it hit me the next day when we left... and didn't really communicate with the guy since then.

Now mind you, if this event had happened with a different group of friends, maybe people with whom I was more comfortable talking about sex (there are plenty of those, believe me... just not this couple), it would have been alright. But it's the history with this guy, and the way he just hammered every question at me in that hot tub... it made me feel very uncomfortable.

So, now it's Feb 2006 and I decided to finally write the guy an e-mail to ask for his address to return some old DVD's, explain what happened, and to basically close off the friendship. At least, I thought. So I sent it, felt all relieved and everything... my counselor and I had been hashing this over for a long time, about what I felt okay doing.

So what happens? The next day (today), the guy CALLS me. He wants to know what is going on, whether I want to be friends or not. He said he was very hurt and missed me, and his wife had sent me e-mails (I never received any), and they didn't know what happened. I was angry that he called. I didn't know what to say... I couldn't say "No, I don't want to be your friend anymore," because he kept saying how much he wants to stay friends, even if we have to change some things about our interaction (e.g. no flirting). I was still unsure. He told me to call him back when I knew.

WTF?? I have never had to just "break off" something before... I mean, after a long period of silence, letting things "fade" after an awkward event, and a final closing e-mail... I thought the guy would get the clue. But I guess not. So now I feel bad, since I was a maid-of-honor and all, but I still feel that I don't want to be close to this person.

Has anyone had to deal with anything remotely similar to this? Or can someone just tell me that I'm not being an asshole?

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran