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Originally Posted by taboo
Is it really bad to be worried for myself, if my SO is 12 years older than me, is divorced and has a kid? I love him very very much, but I can't help worrying about accepting all this baggage (which is "past", but undoubtedly affects him today)..In his eyes, if we end the relationship because I can;t accept these things, it means that I don;t really love him.  |
No, it's not bad. Marriage is supposed to be good for you. You can love someone, but not be sure whether you can grow and flourish with him/her as a person. And if you can't flourish in the relationship, love will either die, or be insufficient to your happiness.
I've loved a couple of people who I did not continue with because I had to work a lot harder to maintain the relationship than they did. I put more in, but they got more out. And it wasn't going to change. Even though I loved them, and they loved me. Because when you think that you need to sacrifice everything for the one you love, you're likely to hook up with people who think it's _perfectly all right_ for you to do that -- for them. But have a limited amount to give back.
If you want to go ahead with your b/f, you need to sit down now and lay out what your life plans are with him -- even if you don't know exactly what they are:
You may know that you want to put aside money for college, a business, etc., be free to start a career and count on his support, want to have kids of your own, and all the rest. And you need to see what he's okay with. And an answer of "Yeah, sure, honey, whatever you want..." ain't good enough. You need to know that he's committed to the discussion, not just agreeing to everything because he hopes you'll forget about it later.
And you need to know what his expections are of you, and whether you're up to them or agree with them.
You need to have these conversations before you go on. It's hard work, but people who care about each other should be willing to do it. If he's not up to this conversation, then he's not really thinking really hard about your well-being as a person. And isn't that what people who love each other should be concerned with?
Finally -- and I just have to say it -- it sounds like he's got a lot more, materially, to gain from this relationship than you do: help with the kid, more financial resources, maybe a bigger house or apartment, _and_ a partner who's a lot younger than him. I'm not saying he's dishonest, but he's got a host of practical reasons to want to bring you into his household. Perhaps that's why he's pushing so hard?