MEAD

So it took me 20 years to find out that while I love many things, I have absolutely no direction in life. Let me explain. I've always been passionate about my interests. When I was a kid it was nature, fish and reptiles, and art. That was what I was all about. Then I got into sports. I was ususally taller than most young kids and pretty athletic, plus my my dad is big into sports. I didnt lose my interests in nature or art, but added to it; I was diverse and that would turn out to be my big problem.

Of course, most kids don't grow up and pursue their childhood loves; their interests change or are squashed by reality. So I grew up. Art stuck, but the fish, lizards, and sports practices went. I found music; I wanted to be in a world famous band. Then I found music recording; I wanted to be the producer of my famous band, I could do the cover art too becuase I still loved to draw and paint.

I guess I started to know I was going to have a problem senior year of highschool. I won a few art shows, performed on guitar at school conerts as well as with my band towards the end of school. My life seemed to make sense to other people; I was going to do something with art or music. Graphic design seemed like a sane career choice for an arty guy like me to other people, but I already had a new love, film and movie making. I was 18 by this time and decided that I had to make this new love stick.

So I went to college and tried to make my way into a pretty competitive film school. I didn't make it in. So I transfered schools, decided to major in English and figure out film on the side. That brings me to this year. I'm balancing my loves of art, music, film, recording, and writing, with the idea that film was my ultimate goal. Then in comes my 20th birthday, a movie script I'm always almost done with, and friends I can't depend on to help me with big projects (the movie or getting a band together), and I start to think,

"Do I really want to go into film for the rest of my life? It's dangerous and I could end up flat on my ass. I'm not even that good at it yet... I can't do anything with an English degree. I really don't even like reading... Maybe I'd rather play in a band again... I'm good at that, plus it would be more fun than film... I should really start fixing my resume to send to film companies in New York like my parents and I were expecting me too.... I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I wish I had a girlfriend. I'm not good enough at any of these things to make it. I can't end up in an office! Shit!"

I want to do it all and I am fearing that I'll get to do none of it. That I don't have enough energy or will power to get anything important done. I've loved too many things and found myself with no clear path, and anything I do want to do is a bit outside the norm. Something that takes effort that is above and beyond just going to classes and getting a degree. Everything I want to do involves me putting my future on the line.. I guess this is common in college... to realize that you are completely fucked. So help!

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Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die.
"That's it, send out the ninjas!"
"So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."