msh58

thirty thousand dollars
its a secure feeling
when living pretty frugal
can last a long time

walked into the hospital
with that

didn't use all of it
maybe a third
with insurance
that time

it lost its meaning though to me
when it didn't prevent this
didn't cure this
and at times
not sure
that i am
alive
although have a pulse when i check

getting through each day kind of took over
using any means necessary
spending what was needed
to get to tomorrow
in good shape
if possible
with no security whatsoever
for the future
when the future
appears
to be
this

at times hoping
it will end prematurely
not at my own hand
have proven
i suck at suicide

was given a cigar today
manager had a baby boy
something to smile about
but couldn't fully
too mentally gone
for that to happen
although probably shaped my mouth
into something that would pass for one
fake it till you make it
but six years later
making it hasn't happened
and probably won't

all the things bought
times when the money rolled in
challenges overcame
does it feel pointless to you too
not even a story worth telling
though tell it anyway
due to lack of a better one

stuff valued
beliefs that seemed important
even beliefs that were questioned
when trying to prove that you could think
did anything come along worth keeping

or not