NotAnAlias

Ok, i'll disclaim now that this thread isn't really about sex, more relationship woes. A friend pointed me in this direction with the highest of praise, although i know there's not much that can be done, thoughts comments opinions and previous experiences would be really, really appreciated.

Ok, so I'm 19, and so is my girlfriend, who we can call T. Imaginative, i know :P

We met about this time a year ago, but i never really gave her much of a second thought until chance (fate?) meant that we ended up on the same train home from Uni together once a week. We got to know each other really well, and i think i should say now, the wonderful T is a flirt from hell, she calls herself a cocktease lol.

So as a result of her flirtations (me not being particularly experienced in the field of relationships and women, i'd had one girlfriend before her, didn't last long, beside the point really) i go the feeling she dug me. It took me nearly a month to work the courage up to ask her out, but i managed it. Which is when she told me that she didn't want a boyfriend...told me i was wonderful funny etc etc but wasn't really ready to go out with anyone at the moment, but gave me the impression that she did feel something, but wasn't able to start at the moment.

About 4 or 5 months pass, myself pining and being generally unsure of how to go about it, but feeling an immense attraction to her. We kept in contact, and it always seemed we were on the verge of becoming more than friends. So one day i visited her at work which i had done before a couple of times. But afterwards, i managed to confront her and talk to her, which took a lot, i'm not that confident. Anyway, i basically told her that i adored her, that i'd treat her like a princess, and that i felt that we could have a really great relationship, and whenever she was ready for a guy, i'd be there for her.

She responds to this in the same way, giving me the impression that she was interested, but not just yet. I left it about 2 weeks, and when i was going to ask her about it again, she surprises me with the most wonderful evening - a picnic and tickets to a concert by a band we both loved. Just totally out of the blue. It was a great night, but i was still unsure what it meant. A day or so pass, and she asks what i'm doing that night, long story short, we eventually get together, without either really acknowledging it at first.

Sorry this is rambly D:

Anyway, the most amazing relationship blossoms, we click in ways i've never felt were possible - utterly perfect for one another. We get a little sexual - both of us totally inexperience (sexually, she had 3 previous boyfriends, all of which she ended because she "withdrew" from them, feeling trapped, apparently what she does, more later), we experimented with mutual (handjobs, fingering) and oral sex (she didn't like me going down on her so much, but we had amazing success with my index finger :P). It started to dominate a little bit, but we basically agreed we had to stop, we weren't ready for that, let alone going any further. Although i think the damage may have been done. She is a highly sexual beast, that is, when she feels sexual. She can be as cold as ice on the sexual front for months and then just turn it on and this rampant beast explodes, with the most amazing effects.

Everything seems great, however, looming on the horizon is something she signed up to at the beginning of the year - 3 months overseas working in america, run by a thing called CCUSA.

Now this is where i should probably say, she wasn't and isn't the happiest of gals. She is a fitness fanatic, get addicted to things easily, like going to the gym. Mixed with eating issues, she was badly underweight, which righted itself about 1.5 months into our relationship. She never had a high opinion of herself, but is strong, independant and doesn't like feeling attached or dependant. I think that might have something to do with why she flirts so much. The flirting doesn't bother me, i trust her entirely. She doesn't (or didn't) drink, wasn't into premarital sex (actual intercourse) a pretty good girl normally. She was a little depressed, or would swing that way sometimes, crying, moping, sleeping etc. All the pressures of her life were compounded by her thinking her life was boring, and stress from her family, especially her mother over her mental state.

All of these factors i think pretty much pushed onto the plane. She had it organised before we started going out, but i think if she had tried to pull out because of me and us, i would have slapped her and told her not to be silly.

So yes, the end of november last year marked just shy of 4 months of the most wonderful time we've ever had. Our relationship was turning into something we could both see lasting a considerable time - we had dropped the L word and meant it - it just came out one time, we were lying on my bed, kissing, and holding one another, and her leaving caught up on us - tears streaming down each others cheeks she told me that she "loved me so much" and i turned to her and looked her in the eye and told her sincerely that i loved her too.

In retrospect, i should have seen something was up when we talked about what we were going to do and she said "people change". They do, but i thought what we had would be fine, we'd miss each other, and when she returned, we agreed to get back together, or give it a good proper go anyway.

The end of november also marked the day she left for a very popular ski field in southern vermont, working on the ski lifts and staying at a lodge for all the employees of this particular resort not too far away.

This is where things started to change.

About a month in, she suddenly feels uncomfortable about saying i love you on the phone, doesn't say it in her emails. We hadn't overused it, i don't think. Only a handful of times before she left, and the end of emails and phone conversations after she had left. I made a bit of an issue out of it, which was a bit silly, she said that she couldn't get privacy to say it, but the real reason emerges later.

Her emails get less and less attached - just short replies under the paragraphs of my emails. She does it to her family as well, i should add.

She also called me one night, at about midnight her time, after/during some employee party, and confessed that she had been drinking. She had drunk previously, but that was New Years 04/05, and she said she'd never ever do it again, and was serious about sticking to it. So it was quite a shock, since i had stopped drinking as well, a large amount for her i have to say. When i querried her about drinking and how she was drunk (i'd never seen it) she said it wouldn't happen. Yeah so anyway, i got quite jealous, but i didn't expect it to continue. It did. Now every week there are parties, plural, and she drinks at pretty much everyone as far as i can gather. I make a big deal out of it, but it is, since it was something i couldn't see her shifting on. I guess that's the beginning of the changes.

She also becomes crazy about skiing, which is ok, i guess - can't say i'm a huge fan, but i've not experienced it really - only once.

She then gets cagey about things concerning guys and issues up there. Which is kind of a big thing, since we've always told each other everything, things we'd not considered telling anyone else before. So you can see what i start to imagine when she refuses to tell me why she's in a bad mood because of some shithead guy. And you know, guys being guys, she's constantly being hit on, and knowing her, she probably asked for it, all her own flirting. Again, i trust her entirely, yeah i'm a jealous, even though i try not to bed, but i mean, this girl is my entire world, and she's off partying and having a wild time, of course i want to be there with her.

Now this is when things get bad.

I miss her, an absolutely huge amount. Huge. I think about her constantly. She then tells me that she doesn't miss anything or anyone. Which naturally includes me. I didn't think too much about it at first.

But over the last few days, today especially, she said some things that really hurt.

She was saying (on msn messenger i should add) that she would say goodbye - end us altogether - if it wasn't that it'd hurt me so much because she apparently felt nothing.

Today she tells me that part of her doesn't want to break up with me because she's scared she won't find a guy she clicked with so well, but the other part of her is saying that she "can't continue to go out with me", that she "doesn't like me, like me" that she "isn't feeling the same" as she did and that "at present, we aren't anything more than friends".



Ok i'm quite tired, and i hope i've managed to get everything out without losing the plot or missing details out.

I just found it uncomprehendable that she could go from loving me (i mean, it all sort of fell out of her mouth, which means that she's not just saying it right?) to not having anything there to see me as anything more than a friend.

I mean, the wonderful thing about us, is that we are best friends as well as boyfriend and girlfriend.

As i said, i'm not sure what i'm expecting to be told, i just want to know if anyone has been in this position, if they have any words of advice or anything at all, sympathy even :P

The thing is, she wasn't really super keen to begin with, she said, but let it go, and obviously things went well for her, although she said today that "things started to get worse" - she said i am emotionally needy, and my dependancy was frustrating at times. Which i'll admit to that, i adore this girl more than i can express with words, and i'm no chump with the english language :P She also said that our sexual activities, as limited as they were, were damaging. She had talked about stopping them, and i underestimated the effect they had, and tried to almost talk her out of stopping, which i am so ashamed about in retrospect. Although that time of life was very stressful, exams, her leaving etc.

She had a headache and a rather bad day today, which never helps matters does it?

I sent her an email reminding her of her comments about breaking up on msn (she wasn't going to have a serious conversation like that from vermont detached further by msn messnger) and to promise me that we'd give it a go when she returned. I have no reply as yet, i don't expect one for a little while.

She's basically completely detached, and doesn't want to come home, and she said that if she didn't feel attracted to me anymore, then there wasn't any point in continuing if she didn't.

She has also said that she's no longer the person who left, but when i have talked to her, i have noticed that a lot of her previous issues are still there, she calls herself a bitch far too often for my liking, and seems to be lacking self respect as she did before she left.

I'm just struggling to understand how it happened, and what it means. She means a huge amount to me, and i was sure the feelings were mutual.


If anyone has been in a similar position - time distance and a new life fucking something really good up, a SO leaving overseas, coming back different, and trying to continue a relationship, you know, anything remotely similar to what i've written, i'd really really like to hear about it.

I apologise profusely for the stupid length of this post; though typing it has been rather cathartic i have to say.

Any questions or things you want clarified feel free to ask, as i said, i'm rather tired, long and stressful day, and i could quite easily have missed a few things. Ill give this another read over when i'm sane and rested to make sure i haven't missed anything.

Again so, so sorry about the length, i have a habit of drawing things out lol :P