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I agree; you've done all you can. He's in full denial mode. And the fact that he and his wife are retreating from the family, despite claiming its all your fault, shows that he knows that the fiction can't be maintained if you all are in close contact. I don't mean he actually thinks to himself "I am maintaining a fiction." But he knows deep down. And after the incidents of the last few weeks, he's understanding that his wife can't act normally around the extended family. So, in his "I've got make everything okay for my wife" mindset, that means the extended family has to go.
In your phone conversation, you may feel that you were trying to connect and he was on the offensive. But in actuality, that businesslike, aggresive behavior came out because, as the voice of reason, you are actually a threat to his unhealthy (I think I can make that judgment) relationship. If he stops to analyze what's going on, he can't justify continuing as an enabler. And if he can't continue enabling, he has to disrupt his whole relationship with his wife. And he's not ready to do that. Therefore, he has to attack everything you say, do, or have done in this matter.
I don't claim you're perfect, but you _have_ tried to be a good brother. He will figure it out, eventually; things will get so bad he'll have to. Just continue to be there when he needs you.
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