Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Family conflict and alcohol . . . need advice

raeanna74 · 01-03-2006, 06:23 AM

Wow a tough spot. It almost sounds like your brother is playing the part of a victim in an abusive relationship. You will be the most help to him if you can draw him away in a situation where the two of you can talk uninterrupted. If you can arrange this without notifying his wife that you are talking to him the better for him. I'm not advocating deceit but if she is verbally abusive then you will be putting your brother in a tough spot by allowing her to know that you are even talking to him. Try to get him to open up to you about the situation.

I understand your thinking about going to your dad but in this situation it draws your parents in when they aren't needed. This is a problem that your brother needs to deal with and he won't appreciate outside interference AT THIS TIME.

You do need to talk to your brother. Explain to him that you are concerned for him. Leave out any offence that you or your family may have taken from her tyraid. This just showed you that there is a problem in his family. Do not threaten to take any action at this point. You could withhold from family gatherings in which alcohol is a factor but otherwise I don't believe you should act now.

Your goal at this point should be to let your brother know that 1. You see a problem and this is not normal behavior. 2. You want to help. 3. You are not judging. 4. You will not tell bring your parents into this situation anymore.

You could perhaps even apologize for talking to your Dad since he may be resentful of it and will be defensive because of it. Do no even bring up the fact that he is lying to your parents. A victims first response is to deny any problem or even defend their partner. You need to get him out of his defensive posture before you will make any progress.

Don't expect that he will ask you for help now. BUT the fact that he is aware that you respect him and are concerned about his situation (and that of his children especially) then perhaps when things get worse he will know who to turn to.

In the meantime keep your eye on those children. Maybe even offer to babysit them or have them over to visit their cousin once in a while on their own. It will give you a could handle on the pulse of that household and their safety.

01-03-2006, 06:23 AM	#4 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	Wow a tough spot. It almost sounds like your brother is playing the part of a victim in an abusive relationship. You will be the most help to him if you can draw him away in a situation where the two of you can talk uninterrupted. If you can arrange this without notifying his wife that you are talking to him the better for him. I'm not advocating deceit but if she is verbally abusive then you will be putting your brother in a tough spot by allowing her to know that you are even talking to him. Try to get him to open up to you about the situation. I understand your thinking about going to your dad but in this situation it draws your parents in when they aren't needed. This is a problem that your brother needs to deal with and he won't appreciate outside interference AT THIS TIME. You do need to talk to your brother. Explain to him that you are concerned for him. Leave out any offence that you or your family may have taken from her tyraid. This just showed you that there is a problem in his family. Do not threaten to take any action at this point. You could withhold from family gatherings in which alcohol is a factor but otherwise I don't believe you should act now. Your goal at this point should be to let your brother know that 1. You see a problem and this is not normal behavior. 2. You want to help. 3. You are not judging. 4. You will not tell bring your parents into this situation anymore. You could perhaps even apologize for talking to your Dad since he may be resentful of it and will be defensive because of it. Do no even bring up the fact that he is lying to your parents. A victims first response is to deny any problem or even defend their partner. You need to get him out of his defensive posture before you will make any progress. Don't expect that he will ask you for help now. BUT the fact that he is aware that you respect him and are concerned about his situation (and that of his children especially) then perhaps when things get worse he will know who to turn to. In the meantime keep your eye on those children. Maybe even offer to babysit them or have them over to visit their cousin once in a while on their own. It will give you a could handle on the pulse of that household and their safety. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.