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Dael · 12-28-2005, 11:23 PM

Bear with me on this, I could really use some insight and advice with how to deal with some of my many, MANY failings.

Before I begin, I must state the fact that I know that I may come across as being very unreasonable and overbearing, and I realize this, so I don't need flames and comments about how much of an a**hole I am... what I do need is advice on how to deal with these feelings so that I don't end up ruining possibly the best relationship I could hope to have.

Enter Stage 1:

We've been dating for just over 2 years, and everything up to before the Christmas holidays has been great, with some pretty rocky bumps along the way that we've managed to get through and come out better people (both individually and for each other) on the other side. Instead of giving out our whole life stories, which would take way too long, I'll cut to the immediate problem. We go to university together in a city away from our homes and had to part company (as we always to for holidays and summer) for Christmas holidays this year. The rubber is the fact that my home town is quite small and very boring, and all my friends and people that I would socialize with are not here anymore, so I can go stir crazy/get cabin fever here. She, on the other hand, is from a big city where all her friends still are and she can have an excellent time for the holidays.

I do not begrudge her this. I just wish I had it the same way. Where things get sticky though is that in our two years together both previous Christmases have been kind of shitty because I get all miserable here with nothing to do and noone to do it with, and I feel she doesn't pay me enough attention (the highlight of my holidays are the few precious hours when we can talk or do something online together like play Scrabble or something). Now, after having been through it twice, we KNOW that this is likely to occur (my situation) every time I come home for Christmas.

Again, without divulging TMI, I just have to say that the obviously easiest fix for this is for one of us to spend Christmas at the others home each year, but unfortunately that's not really possible for us, so don't ask or suggest. So this year we come up with this plan that we'll do something, or at least talk for a bit, every day... kind of so that I can keep my sanity. Well, this worked out for a bit at the beginning, but it's all gone to shit now. She'll go out with friends and that all night without talking or doing anything with me, and then I only get to talk to her because I track her down by telephone or email or something. She's getting right pissed off at me because I'm making her 'feel obliged' to talk to me when that's not how it should be, she should want to talk to me or do something and all that. My beef here is that I thought that's what the plan was, and I say this to her, and she goes on this rant about how it's not her job to keep me entertained over the holidays and that I should get a life and shit.

I can't blame her for this attitude really; the thought has crossed my mind itself. I don't want to be this needy and dependant on my girlfriend, but there it is all the same. So I guess I'm looking for insight and such into two main things:

1. How to go about daily life in an isolated, boring as hell place without feeling all despondant and hard-done-by because I don't have my girlfriend with me. I really need help to try to ditch my neediness and dependance on her.

2. I need help coping with the feelings I get that she just doesn't think that much of me, or that I'm not at all important to her when she does something like this, even though I know I am important to her. I have to talk about this on this forum because if I talked about this with her, it would cause a fight that we might not recover from because in the past she's really gotten fed up with me regarding such feelings as this. Notice how I am not blaming or asking for help on how to deal with some imagined injustice that she has dealt me: she hasn't. I really, genuinely need help and advice on how to deal with myself.

Just on a final note, I've never done anything like this before (come to a public forum for help) so I'd appreciate any help any of you could give me. And I sure hope noone suggests 'go see a shrink' or some such, because that is not the kind of help and advice I'm looking for. Thanks all.

P.S. Sorry that this is more a relationship post, and this is the Sexuality forum, but this seemed the most likely place since there isn't a specifically relationship-oriented forum.

12-28-2005, 11:23 PM	#1 (permalink)
Dael Upright	Relationship troubles Bear with me on this, I could really use some insight and advice with how to deal with some of my many, MANY failings. Before I begin, I must state the fact that I know that I may come across as being very unreasonable and overbearing, and I realize this, so I don't need flames and comments about how much of an a**hole I am... what I do need is advice on how to deal with these feelings so that I don't end up ruining possibly the best relationship I could hope to have. Enter Stage 1: We've been dating for just over 2 years, and everything up to before the Christmas holidays has been great, with some pretty rocky bumps along the way that we've managed to get through and come out better people (both individually and for each other) on the other side. Instead of giving out our whole life stories, which would take way too long, I'll cut to the immediate problem. We go to university together in a city away from our homes and had to part company (as we always to for holidays and summer) for Christmas holidays this year. The rubber is the fact that my home town is quite small and very boring, and all my friends and people that I would socialize with are not here anymore, so I can go stir crazy/get cabin fever here. She, on the other hand, is from a big city where all her friends still are and she can have an excellent time for the holidays. I do not begrudge her this. I just wish I had it the same way. Where things get sticky though is that in our two years together both previous Christmases have been kind of shitty because I get all miserable here with nothing to do and noone to do it with, and I feel she doesn't pay me enough attention (the highlight of my holidays are the few precious hours when we can talk or do something online together like play Scrabble or something). Now, after having been through it twice, we KNOW that this is likely to occur (my situation) every time I come home for Christmas. Again, without divulging TMI, I just have to say that the obviously easiest fix for this is for one of us to spend Christmas at the others home each year, but unfortunately that's not really possible for us, so don't ask or suggest. So this year we come up with this plan that we'll do something, or at least talk for a bit, every day... kind of so that I can keep my sanity. Well, this worked out for a bit at the beginning, but it's all gone to shit now. She'll go out with friends and that all night without talking or doing anything with me, and then I only get to talk to her because I track her down by telephone or email or something. She's getting right pissed off at me because I'm making her 'feel obliged' to talk to me when that's not how it should be, she should want to talk to me or do something and all that. My beef here is that I thought that's what the plan was, and I say this to her, and she goes on this rant about how it's not her job to keep me entertained over the holidays and that I should get a life and shit. I can't blame her for this attitude really; the thought has crossed my mind itself. I don't want to be this needy and dependant on my girlfriend, but there it is all the same. So I guess I'm looking for insight and such into two main things: 1. How to go about daily life in an isolated, boring as hell place without feeling all despondant and hard-done-by because I don't have my girlfriend with me. I really need help to try to ditch my neediness and dependance on her. 2. I need help coping with the feelings I get that she just doesn't think that much of me, or that I'm not at all important to her when she does something like this, even though I know I am important to her. I have to talk about this on this forum because if I talked about this with her, it would cause a fight that we might not recover from because in the past she's really gotten fed up with me regarding such feelings as this. Notice how I am not blaming or asking for help on how to deal with some imagined injustice that she has dealt me: she hasn't. I really, genuinely need help and advice on how to deal with myself. Just on a final note, I've never done anything like this before (come to a public forum for help) so I'd appreciate any help any of you could give me. And I sure hope noone suggests 'go see a shrink' or some such, because that is not the kind of help and advice I'm looking for. Thanks all. P.S. Sorry that this is more a relationship post, and this is the Sexuality forum, but this seemed the most likely place since there isn't a specifically relationship-oriented forum.