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SiN · 12-19-2005, 12:45 AM

I received this post via pm from one of our fine male members.
It is, I think, rather thoughtful and mature.

Quote:

"Cheating" is a very individual concept to define. Each individual relationship can and should define it with respect to their own needs and desires. To some people, cheating is any sort of sexual contact with another person, while to others cheating is only sexual contact without the knowledge of the other partner but beyond that anything goes. The point is, there is no technicality regarding what cheating is and isn't. Cheating is whatever you and your partner have discussed is not something the two of you are comfortable with. I don't think it's healthy to look beyond your own needs and desires to define cheating because then you are letting other people define your relationship rather than defining it as a couple and something unique to you.

While I am not in a swinging relationship, the general idea has been discussed for a fair amount of time and we have set ground rules in case the opportunity arises. That is absolutely key. For example, we recognize that as things progress we might get more comfortable with loosening the rules, but for now we have pretty strict rules. Basically, it amounts to she can fool around with a woman all she wants but I can't do anything and she can't fool around with a man. Is this "fair?" Of course not! But, swinging or open relationships are not about fairness or equality. It is about being receptive to your partner's feelings and needs. The simple truth is, we know that right now I could handle her with another women easily, but she would have a difficult time handling me with another woman. I am more than happy with only hearing about her and another woman or maybe seeing it because it both turns me on and I know it would be pleasing to her. So, beyond the communication, I think it is very important to keep in mind that things may not be "fair" in a situation like this. If both people aren't able to understand and accept this, and make the sacrifices necessary for the safety of their own relationship, it is not something they should partake in at that time.

Like I said, we haven't had the opportunity to explore with anyone else yet, but we are already aware and prepared for the fact that the first time will not be a perfect experience. It's impossible to know how you will react until after the line has been crossed, and that is when open and honest communication is most important. We've had all our lives to be told that relationships are between two people and that, when in a committed relationship, you're not supposed to have sexual contact with other people. Breaking through that is not easy. If we ever get the opportunity to explore more, I may find that I have a certain jealousy that I didn't expect, or perhaps she may find that she feels a guilt that she didn't expect. It is extremely important to talk openly and honestly after the experience about how each of you feels. There will almost certainly be some negative emotions that weren't expected, and the only way to get through them is to discuss them and realize where they come from. Oprah, believe it or not, had an episode about swingers a little while ago and she had some swingers on her show. I think this one couple put it very well: it is like a magnifying glass on your relationship. It will bring out all the little issues that you didn't think you had. If you can't or won't be willing to face mixed emotions after first getting started, swinging or experimenting isn't for you.

As for the benefits, I have heard of many. One swinging couple on Oprah, for example, mentioned that their one-on-one sex is better because of swinging. I'd imagine a major reason for this is that, especially with a healthily married couple, there is an intense bond which is simply not there with other people. Separating the love from sex while swinging doesn't mean it is separated from sex while alone and with one another. Personally, thinking about my girlfriend with another woman turns me on quite a bit and it makes me want to have sex with her too.

Swinging or open relationships aren't for everyone though. Like I said, if you're not willing to face the fact the first few experiences will NOT be perfect and that it WILL bring to light some issues which you may not have realized you had, it's not a good idea to do it. Bringing other people in sexually can and will destroy a relationship that does not have totally open and honest communication, and even with great communication it will at least initially create a need for a LOT of discussion. There's no such thing as being over-prepared for it, but there's also no such thing as being fully prepared. There will almost certainly be issues which you never expected. That said, I believe that if you have a healthy, open, and honest relationship and are willing to address the feelings that will arise from exploring with other people, it can be a very fulfilling and pleasurable experience! Part of the reason I'm confortable with entertaining the idea with my own girlfriend is because I know that, despite being sexually interested in other women, I will always have the most love for her and want to be with her. Similarly, I am confident that, even though she may be sexually interested in other men or women, she will always value our relationship above all else.