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Seeker · 12-13-2005, 06:14 PM

My perspective seems to be different from expressed popular opinion and I am not sure how best to convey/discuss my opinion. I have adapted a recent journal entry in my attempt to share my thoughts and open a discussion about our views on the subject of how to handle the act of cheating itself, or how we handle being cheated on.

I am in no way stating that cheating is right or justified. I am looking at it from a more compassionate plateau in the same way that you could look at your child or sibling that has issues with drug addiction, compulsive lying or kleptomania. Generally you don’t write these people off, you try to help them face their problems and overcome them.

I do also understand, as with anyone who doesn’t want to change their ways, there may come a time when you have to walk away. In my opinion, walking away without the anger and hurt associated with these emotional relationships is a more worthy endeavour than carrying the burden of hate and resentment with you throughout your life.

I now offer my thoughts open for discussion. *Takes a deep breath and hits ‘Submit’*

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The Cheater
Ultimately the temptation to cheat, or the act of cheating, points out to me a struggle with issues regarding the self. It is a function to alert you to look more deeply within yourself and ask questions. What do you feel is lacking in the current relationship? What do you really want and need? How can you honour yourself and honour the person you are with? These are big questions, and you don't come into life with an ability to be a perfect person. You need to learn it.

We all need to find ourselves the hard way. Without going through this process how are we to really learn? In the early stages of building or having 'real' relationships this drama with cheating is more prevalent because we are discovering ourselves through a commitment to another. This is a natural and necessary process, and this is how we learn those aspects about ourselves.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater
... I think not! You can make a commitment to yourself, after the fact(act), to never cheat again and handle things differently next time. The trick is to honestly face ourselves and others. Those that continue to cheat are being lazy, they are people who want to dodge their responsibility to learn from this process. They don't face themselves and therefore are stuck in this destructive pattern. I think it's sad.

As stated above, sometimes we have to find things out the hard way. Just because we have made a mistake once or twice, does not write off any potential to learn and adjust from the experience. Really, I think if it were true, “once a cheater, always a cheater” there wouldn’t be the vast amount of honourable people to have relationships with that we eventually come across. I know of many people, whom I respect, that have come through issues of infidelity in their relationships and have learnt a great deal from it.

The Partner of a Cheater
I think it's how you want to deal with the situation. If you truly love somebody, you can forgive them (and by that I mean choose to work with them and through this problem) and help them face themselves. That is the ultimate act of love in my eyes. Just kicking someone to the curb because they cheated is lazy and selfish. You are more absorbed with what's been done to you rather than looking for a way for both of you to grow beyond the situation and resolve anything for real.

Unfortunately, even if you love someone enough to work through it, the cheater may not want to change, (insert many reasons and variations here), then instead of discarding that person like waste, at least try to feel some compassion for the denial they are in, and move on. Being totally judgemental and without compassion is just as bad as being a cheater... they are both very sad states to be in.

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12-13-2005, 06:14 PM	#1 (permalink)
Seeker Getting Clearer Location: with spirit	Issues of Cheaters and Cheating... My perspective seems to be different from expressed popular opinion and I am not sure how best to convey/discuss my opinion. I have adapted a recent journal entry in my attempt to share my thoughts and open a discussion about our views on the subject of how to handle the act of cheating itself, or how we handle being cheated on. I am in no way stating that cheating is right or justified. I am looking at it from a more compassionate plateau in the same way that you could look at your child or sibling that has issues with drug addiction, compulsive lying or kleptomania. Generally you don’t write these people off, you try to help them face their problems and overcome them. I do also understand, as with anyone who doesn’t want to change their ways, there may come a time when you have to walk away. In my opinion, walking away without the anger and hurt associated with these emotional relationships is a more worthy endeavour than carrying the burden of hate and resentment with you throughout your life. I now offer my thoughts open for discussion. Takes a deep breath and hits ‘Submit’ -------------------------------------------------- The Cheater Ultimately the temptation to cheat, or the act of cheating, points out to me a struggle with issues regarding the self. It is a function to alert you to look more deeply within yourself and ask questions. What do you feel is lacking in the current relationship? What do you really want and need? How can you honour yourself and honour the person you are with? These are big questions, and you don't come into life with an ability to be a perfect person. You need to learn it. We all need to find ourselves the hard way. Without going through this process how are we to really learn? In the early stages of building or having 'real' relationships this drama with cheating is more prevalent because we are discovering ourselves through a commitment to another. This is a natural and necessary process, and this is how we learn those aspects about ourselves. Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater ... I think not! You can make a commitment to yourself, after the fact(act), to never cheat again and handle things differently next time. The trick is to honestly face ourselves and others. Those that continue to cheat are being lazy, they are people who want to dodge their responsibility to learn from this process. They don't face themselves and therefore are stuck in this destructive pattern. I think it's sad. As stated above, sometimes we have to find things out the hard way. Just because we have made a mistake once or twice, does not write off any potential to learn and adjust from the experience. Really, I think if it were true, “once a cheater, always a cheater” there wouldn’t be the vast amount of honourable people to have relationships with that we eventually come across. I know of many people, whom I respect, that have come through issues of infidelity in their relationships and have learnt a great deal from it. The Partner of a Cheater I think it's how you want to deal with the situation. If you truly love somebody, you can forgive them (and by that I mean choose to work with them and through this problem) and help them face themselves. That is the ultimate act of love in my eyes. Just kicking someone to the curb because they cheated is lazy and selfish. You are more absorbed with what's been done to you rather than looking for a way for both of you to grow beyond the situation and resolve anything for real. Unfortunately, even if you love someone enough to work through it, the cheater may not want to change, (insert many reasons and variations here), then instead of discarding that person like waste, at least try to feel some compassion for the denial they are in, and move on. Being totally judgemental and without compassion is just as bad as being a cheater... they are both very sad states to be in. ------------------------------------------------------------ __________________ *To those who wander but who are not lost...* ~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.