Cynthetiq

I just got a call from the Philippines from an uncle letting me know that my paternal grandmother may not make it through the night. Now mind you all, there is camp within the family that are drama creators. They live and breathe it. While grandma is in the hospital, no doctor has stated that she's not going to make it through the night, no doctor has stated that she's going to make it through the night. They made this judgement on their own based on few facts and no one in that section of the family knows enough about medicine to put the facts together to come up with any real meaning.

She's gone from having fallen down to semi incoherent, not eating to being force fed with tubes, to permenent stomach peg to facilitate feeding. The first call I got tonight was that her blood pressure has fallen and that she doesn't look like she'll make it. Further information comes from another aunt who's stated that her blood pressure has dropped, she's got fluid in the lungs, and she's on a 1ml morphine drip. All this information comes in bits and pieces, several phone conversations from other family members etc. She's in the hospital in Palo Alto, CA and will probably have services around there.

As she's been deteriorating for the past few weeks, I've been wrestling with some ideas that are in direct conflict with my own desires. As an Asian, I feel some duty to the family especially in times of crisis. As an American, I really don't give a damn about this woman. Let me explain, and then please let me know if you agree or disagree. My best friend made me stop at three reasons, I'll give you those three to read and decide for yourself. There are many many more than three throughout my life.

Grandma is a renowned chef and baker. People would come from miles around to buy her baked goods, so when she came to America I recall a time staying with her and her baking ensaymada, a filipino sweet bread. As a child it was one of my favorite snacks and I can recall her sitting making these by the dozens and asking her for one and always being denied. "Hijo, these are for my customers," was always the reply. She never made a batch for me that I can recall. This is something that I've always carried since I was 5-6 years old, and have always taken umbrage at her never making any for me.

When my sister was born I was six years old in the mid 70s, a time when it was common for new mothers to stay in the hospital for at least three days. The day after she was born I wrote a two sentence letter to my mom stating that I wish I could come and see the baby but I know that the hospital will not allow such a youngster into the ward. (I recently gave this letter to my brother in law who framed it for my sister as a birthday present.) My grandmother lived 1/2 mile from the hospital. My grandmother never came to the hospital to see my sister. She said she was too busy for some reason that I cannot truly recall, I believe it was because she had some prepaid ceramics class that she could not miss. I have always taken umbrage towards her for this. To me this was unforgivable and even more underlined as other grandchildren were born she visited them in the hospital.

When my sister married, grandma was invited. She didn't have to do anything as other family members were going to attend and she had a ride, and a place to stay in Las Vegas. She did not RSVP and did not attend the wedding. She did however RSVP to the bridal showers in her area, and never attended. She never even acknowledged missing any events, no well wishes, nothing. Now, you may ask yourself well this was your sister, what about you? Well, I didn't tell many people in the family that Skogafoss and I go to married. In fact almost 4 years later people are still coming up to me in the family saying, "I didn't know you got married!"

I called my best friend to speak with him as I felt I needed some clarity on how I felt about this subject. It was at this point that my best friend said, "Enough, you don't owe this lady anything."

Now if someone else posted this, I'd probably be there saying, "Suck it up, pay your last respects, if you can see her in the hospital see her." But I honestly have no last respects, I don't think I've ever had any inkling of respect for this woman. She has never written or called for birthdays or holidays, yet other grandkids she does.

What's your opinion?

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