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Bob Biter · 11-20-2005, 08:36 AM

iblade, I've been in a situation very similar to yours. I lived in Japan (Sendai) for 2 years and met a Japanese woman about 3 months before I came back. I'd had Japanese girlfriends before, but this was to be the last one. In all the relationships I've had there, I was never fully committed or in love, since I knew I would go back home at some point. Like you, I would be totally honest about this to everyone, and that last woman was no different. I was 26, she was 31. Obviously, she was in marriage mode and had actually been married before to a Filipino and lived in Guam for a few years.

Basically, she said she understood my situation and would spend some time with me regardless. Of course, the Japanese are very accomodating and I slowly realized that she was just being this way so that I could see how devoted she was to me, and hopefully change my mind about her and marry her/take her back to Canada/stay in Japan longer. I told her the same things you did: I like being with her; we have a good time when we're together; I have no intentions to pursue this when I get back; etc. She could've stopped seeing me at anytime, but she kept on, probably because her cultural mentality is different than mine, not just the male/female mentality. "Ganbaru" or "to persevere" is the core of Japanese thought. The ability to hold on and endure tough times is a point of great pride for them. Therefore, perhaps she's just hoping against hope that you'll come around right before you leave... maybe do something grand like rip your return ticket up in front of her and tell her you'll always be hers. This might sound cheesy, but soap operas in Japan are the same as back here. My girlfriend at the time, Marie (ma-ri-eh) became more and more distraught as I was preparing to leave, despite her knowledge that the relationship would end.

Also, as was pointed out in another post, she might just be saving face. Leaving on a good note is also a big thing for the Japanese. Perfect strangers would usually rather ensure that the other person is satisfied than have any hard feelings. Furthermore, there are two facets of the Japanese personality: tatemae (literally the "image in front" or façade) and honne (literally the "root of being" or true feelings). Tatemae is the face most Japanese show to others. Salarymen in particular use it all the time: even if they want to kill their boss (which would be "honne" - what they really feel), you'd think that they loved him deeply. It's kind of like "super-tact".

Therefore, your girlfriend might be kicking her tatemae into high gear right now, accomodating you and making everything just as you wanted, so that you can leave with good feelings of her. Even if you would tell her over and over that it would be better that you two broke up, she would still see this as a negative. The fact that she broke up with you first set off lots of alarm bells in my head, iblade. I stongly suspect that this was a test of your convictions and that you just failed it. Basically, she wanted to make sure whether or not you cared for her. In her mind, had you been serious when you agreed that you both would be better off as friends, you wouldn't have put the moves on her and showed interest at rekindling the relationship. That's why she wanted to hear "your side of the story" IN PERSON.

Be prepared for a break down on her part (or at least another "we have to talk") between now and your departure date. Trust me, you won't see it coming (I certainly didn't), despite things going very well.

Gambatte ne!

11-20-2005, 08:36 AM	#28 (permalink)
Bob Biter Non-smokers die everyday Location: Montreal	iblade, I've been in a situation very similar to yours. I lived in Japan (Sendai) for 2 years and met a Japanese woman about 3 months before I came back. I'd had Japanese girlfriends before, but this was to be the last one. In all the relationships I've had there, I was never fully committed or in love, since I knew I would go back home at some point. Like you, I would be totally honest about this to everyone, and that last woman was no different. I was 26, she was 31. Obviously, she was in marriage mode and had actually been married before to a Filipino and lived in Guam for a few years. Basically, she said she understood my situation and would spend some time with me regardless. Of course, the Japanese are very accomodating and I slowly realized that she was just being this way so that I could see how devoted she was to me, and hopefully change my mind about her and marry her/take her back to Canada/stay in Japan longer. I told her the same things you did: I like being with her; we have a good time when we're together; I have no intentions to pursue this when I get back; etc. She could've stopped seeing me at anytime, but she kept on, probably because her cultural mentality is different than mine, not just the male/female mentality. "Ganbaru" or "to persevere" is the core of Japanese thought. The ability to hold on and endure tough times is a point of great pride for them. Therefore, perhaps she's just hoping against hope that you'll come around right before you leave... maybe do something grand like rip your return ticket up in front of her and tell her you'll always be hers. This might sound cheesy, but soap operas in Japan are the same as back here. My girlfriend at the time, Marie (ma-ri-eh) became more and more distraught as I was preparing to leave, despite her knowledge that the relationship would end. Also, as was pointed out in another post, she might just be saving face. Leaving on a good note is also a big thing for the Japanese. Perfect strangers would usually rather ensure that the other person is satisfied than have any hard feelings. Furthermore, there are two facets of the Japanese personality: tatemae (literally the "image in front" or façade) and honne (literally the "root of being" or true feelings). Tatemae is the face most Japanese show to others. Salarymen in particular use it all the time: even if they want to kill their boss (which would be "honne" - what they really feel), you'd think that they loved him deeply. It's kind of like "super-tact". Therefore, your girlfriend might be kicking her tatemae into high gear right now, accomodating you and making everything just as you wanted, so that you can leave with good feelings of her. Even if you would tell her over and over that it would be better that you two broke up, she would still see this as a negative. The fact that she broke up with you first set off lots of alarm bells in my head, iblade. I stongly suspect that this was a test of your convictions and that you just failed it. Basically, she wanted to make sure whether or not you cared for her. In her mind, had you been serious when you agreed that you both would be better off as friends, you wouldn't have put the moves on her and showed interest at rekindling the relationship. That's why she wanted to hear "your side of the story" IN PERSON. Be prepared for a break down on her part (or at least another "we have to talk") between now and your departure date. Trust me, you won't see it coming (I certainly didn't), despite things going very well. Gambatte ne! __________________ A plan is just a list of things that don't happen.