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JustJess · 11-17-2005, 06:21 AM

Mal - I'd say it's different in your situations, because you have integrity. It sounds to me that this Beth does not have integrity.

He probably is a good guy. As the aphorism goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

But you two have had a rough time lately. You're both feeling insecure. BOTH OF YOU. And for the BF, this other woman is providing an ego boost that he probably desperately needs (not that that's your fault per se). My guess (based on my past experiences) is that they've probably done some making out, but no actual sex. Probably only while you were on a "break".

If this guy is worth salvaging, you need to have a conversation about it, and an honest one. Some key points that I would aim for were I you:
- You understand he can't change the chemistry with her
- You know he's chosen you
- With everything that's happened, you are feeling insecure
- You would never want to define who he can be friends with, of course
- But right now, with all that's happened, a compromise is needed - perhaps he would consider reducing some of his phone time, and try not to spend time alone with her without you BECAUSE:
- You trust him, but you can't trust her. The fact that she isn't willing to talk to or meet you says her intentions are far from pure. She thinks the BF is hers, he's always been in the past, so she isn't going to make nice with you. You can't trust HER. Try to explain that from YOUR perspective, this is how the situation appears. Try to illustrate that he wouldn't like it if it were him.

If he can't see it from your perspective, if he's not willing to take a little break from her (not that you're expecting him to give up a friendship by any stretch), if he can't see that Beth's actions are damaging your relationship...

Then walk away. He doesn't want to see it, no matter how good he is. That may be the only time he'll figure it out... or he won't, and you're BETTER OFF.

From your OP, you sound far more mature in this relationship than the average 19 year old (no offense to our younger members, of course). It appears you have an understanding of what a relationship can and should be for you.

Don't accept less.

11-17-2005, 06:21 AM	#17 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	Mal - I'd say it's different in your situations, because you have integrity. It sounds to me that this Beth does not have integrity. He probably is a good guy. As the aphorism goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But you two have had a rough time lately. You're both feeling insecure. BOTH OF YOU. And for the BF, this other woman is providing an ego boost that he probably desperately needs (not that that's your fault per se). My guess (based on my past experiences) is that they've probably done some making out, but no actual sex. Probably only while you were on a "break". If this guy is worth salvaging, you need to have a conversation about it, and an honest one. Some key points that I would aim for were I you: - You understand he can't change the chemistry with her - You know he's chosen you - With everything that's happened, you are feeling insecure - You would never want to define who he can be friends with, of course - But right now, with all that's happened, a compromise is needed - perhaps he would consider reducing some of his phone time, and try not to spend time alone with her without you BECAUSE: - You trust him, but you can't trust her. The fact that she isn't willing to talk to or meet you says her intentions are far from pure. She thinks the BF is hers, he's always been in the past, so she isn't going to make nice with you. You can't trust HER. Try to explain that from YOUR perspective, this is how the situation appears. Try to illustrate that he wouldn't like it if it were him. If he can't see it from your perspective, if he's not willing to take a little break from her (not that you're expecting him to give up a friendship by any stretch), if he can't see that Beth's actions are damaging your relationship... Then walk away. He doesn't want to see it, no matter how good he is. That may be the only time he'll figure it out... or he won't, and you're BETTER OFF. From your OP, you sound far more mature in this relationship than the average 19 year old (no offense to our younger members, of course). It appears you have an understanding of what a relationship can and should be for you. Don't accept less. __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.