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bubonico · 10-20-2005, 12:32 AM

Thanks everybody for the advice. Lurkette I think you hit the nail on the head as far as your statement goes. Everybody else had helpful things to say as well of course. I think I do take it personally when she gets like that. Then she gets scared to hurt me worse so she withdraws even more, effectively hurting me worse. I also tend to always put a lot more effort into the relationship during hard times as well. I think I try to show her all the good things our relationship has to offer or something. It's not like I do it intentionally, but when we have problems I do try very hard. Intentionally or not I do end up putting undue pressure on her when she begins to withdraw. I’ll have to work on that.

I don’t believe she’s ever been abused really.

Her relationship with her parents is not the best. Her mom was pretty fucked up for a long time, and I think her relationship with her dad suffered during her teenage years due to her relationship with the older controlling guy.

Just FYI about the guy who may or may not have brought about this behavior in her, she was 12 and he was 26 when they first got together. Not that the age really matters, but some of you seemed curious and in my opinion somebody who has a sexual relationship with a 12 year old has got some issues.

It may be true that she’s just immature and needs to grow out of this or whatever. That would actually be fine in my opinion, I’d be more than happy to wait it out and have the problem resolve itself.

I don’t believe either of us fear the other will leave for someone else. We were friends for 7 years before ever starting a relationship. There’s a fair amount of trust between us. Besides that I’m in Iraq and not around many girls. But even when I’m in Germany she doesn’t ever really show signs that she’s afraid I’d ever cheat on her or anything.

I don’t think I ever really “confront” her about withdrawing. I more just get hurt, and she gets scared to hurt me. When we are getting along though we have talked about it of course. I do tend to have a hard time telling her if I think she’s doing something wrong. That’s probably something I need to work on as well. She does come to the conclusion on her own that withdrawal is no way to deal with problems. She seems willing to work on it, or try not to do it. She’s always very sorry once she manages to get through it, but it tends to just happen again. My main reason for starting the thread I guess was to just try to get some insight into how I should behave to help avoid it or help her grow out of it.

I’ve gotten some good insight thank you all. I think I already knew that when I get depressed/hurt when she gets like this it only exacerbates the situation.

By the way this isn’t an entirely common problem just a shitty one. It only happens every 2-3 months or so.

10-20-2005, 12:32 AM	#9 (permalink)
bubonico Upright Location: Iraq :(	Thanks everybody for the advice. Lurkette I think you hit the nail on the head as far as your statement goes. Everybody else had helpful things to say as well of course. I think I do take it personally when she gets like that. Then she gets scared to hurt me worse so she withdraws even more, effectively hurting me worse. I also tend to always put a lot more effort into the relationship during hard times as well. I think I try to show her all the good things our relationship has to offer or something. It's not like I do it intentionally, but when we have problems I do try very hard. Intentionally or not I do end up putting undue pressure on her when she begins to withdraw. I’ll have to work on that. I don’t believe she’s ever been abused really. Her relationship with her parents is not the best. Her mom was pretty fucked up for a long time, and I think her relationship with her dad suffered during her teenage years due to her relationship with the older controlling guy. Just FYI about the guy who may or may not have brought about this behavior in her, she was 12 and he was 26 when they first got together. Not that the age really matters, but some of you seemed curious and in my opinion somebody who has a sexual relationship with a 12 year old has got some issues. It may be true that she’s just immature and needs to grow out of this or whatever. That would actually be fine in my opinion, I’d be more than happy to wait it out and have the problem resolve itself. I don’t believe either of us fear the other will leave for someone else. We were friends for 7 years before ever starting a relationship. There’s a fair amount of trust between us. Besides that I’m in Iraq and not around many girls. But even when I’m in Germany she doesn’t ever really show signs that she’s afraid I’d ever cheat on her or anything. I don’t think I ever really “confront” her about withdrawing. I more just get hurt, and she gets scared to hurt me. When we are getting along though we have talked about it of course. I do tend to have a hard time telling her if I think she’s doing something wrong. That’s probably something I need to work on as well. She does come to the conclusion on her own that withdrawal is no way to deal with problems. She seems willing to work on it, or try not to do it. She’s always very sorry once she manages to get through it, but it tends to just happen again. My main reason for starting the thread I guess was to just try to get some insight into how I should behave to help avoid it or help her grow out of it. I’ve gotten some good insight thank you all. I think I already knew that when I get depressed/hurt when she gets like this it only exacerbates the situation. By the way this isn’t an entirely common problem just a shitty one. It only happens every 2-3 months or so. __________________ "People sleep peacably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf" -George Orwell