bubonico

Hi TFP. I enjoy reading here and have respect for the community as a whole, but I don't post often 'cause I guess I don't feel like I have much to contribute. Ummmmm I'm wanting some advice at this point though.

My girlfriend and I are usually very happy and love one another immensely. The problem we have is that she has a tendency to withdraw from me under certain circumstances. If I have an emotional day or am ever just depressed for a couple days she recoils from me. I don't get like that often, but it hurts me because I feel like when I need her most she isn't there for me. I know she loves me but it's easy to get insecure when she withdraws from me suddenly.

She also withdraws pretty heavily if or when we have any sort of relationship issues or have heavy things to discuss. She seems entirely unwilling to deal with things of that nature. She knows that when she avoids things they only get worse, but it's almost as though she can't help it. It's frustrating and hard, but I love her very much and am fully willing to deal with it.

It's like one week she's enamored with me and can't wait to get married, have kids and all that jazz, then we hit a speed bump of some sort and she wants nothin to do with me. (not really that bad, but it's how I feel sometimes) She's well aware of the problem and hates it as much or more than I do. The thing is what can we do about it? Do I have to just cope with it and ride it out, or are their ways to treat/help this sort of thing.

She was in a relationship with a guy twice her age who was very controlling and just not very nice from the ages of 12-16 and I think that may be the cause of her behavior. It's like she's developed a defense mechanism. I feel like such a piece of crap when I have a defense mechanism sprung on me. It makes me wonder if I act like the dickhead from her past. It makes me search inside for what I'm doing wrong and makes me want to try harder, but those things just seem to push her further away.

I can always tell when she's about to recoil. It starts in a minor way from something small. If just totally avoid that small thing and we don't discuss problems it never really becomes an issue. The thing is I can't really let things like that fester. It has gotten to the point though that I am scared to share my feelings with her sometimes. I always do but it always causes a withrdrawal which always causes me to have more things to discuss and more shitty feelings which always causes a further withdrawal. It's a ruthless cycle.

Sometimes I wonder if my fear of the withdrawal causes the withdrawal. Is that a possiblity? I've noticed that I usually feel it coming on, but I don't know if it's something I sense in her, or if it's the situation, or if perhaps the way I act when I become scared that she's gonna withdraw from me causes it. I don't think I consciously act different, but we know eachother very well and can pick up on things like that. I'm sure it's more complex than any one of those things.

Okay well if anybody has any experience with this sort of thing or any general advice it would be greatly appreciated. There's a good chance that I just need to deal with this sort of thing on my own, but if nothing else it's good to write things out to organize my thoughts. If you need specific details I'm fully willing to provide insight into the specifics of my relationship but for the sake of clarity I've omitted those for now.

PS I'm in a relationship of the long distance variety, if that matters. I think it plays a role. She has said that in past relationships it wasn't as big of a deal because she was unable to avoid the person she was with. With me she can just not write me back or not answer the phone. God damn that hurts by the way.

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