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Originally Posted by toby19
Maybe there is something else that is important. I have this CRIPPLING, ABSOLUTELY DEBILITATING self-esteem problem, and I have never been able to imagine someone liking me as much as I like them, so sex seems very alien to me for that reason at least. I simply can't imagine being able to make a woman the least bit sexually satisfied.
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I can completely relate to believing that someone could never reciprocate an equal amount of interest. It is mostly an irrational thought, but it still manages to be incapacitating. The finer details of your mastubatory habits don't matter, but that it has become a vapid substitute for sex, does. The "beat-off shame spiral" (as Adam Carolla eloquently calls it) is undoubtedly linked to depression and it tends to gain a lot of momentum going unchecked. Although I have to preface this with "Do as I say, not as I do," it might be a good idea to start a regular exercise regimen and/or seek out therapy.
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To give you an idea of the extent of it, I have systematically eliminated every potential for a good friendship with someone because I feel that they don't like me anymore, and also I basically can't walk around my university without feeling considerably uncomfortable, like I'm a lightening rod for contempt or something.
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This is also irrational, and I think that you'll eventually agree that it is also quite narcissistic. Random people are too concerned with their own lives to pay you any attention, much less negative attention--unless you take the initiative so that they would want to pay you any attention.