Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post

josie · 10-07-2005, 04:18 PM

My brother also committed suicide and I remember how incredibly important it felt to have my husband by my side through the entire thing. He was someone who knew and loved my brother and who knew how much I (and the rest of my family) loved my brother and how devastating this would be for all of us, and his presence and concern were so comforting to me and really the only thing that pulled me through.

I've always appreciated my husband talking with me about the wonderful things he remembers about my brother - laughing with me about funny memories-talking about what he loved about him - so that my brother is more than just a tragic figure that noone wants to mention because it makes everyone sad. It might take a while to get to this point, but it means a lot to me to have people remember my brother as the kind, funny, guy I knew and not just this doomed person who ended up committing suicide. When someone commits suicide there's a natural tendency to focus on that event- but the only way I was able to find any peace was to remember that the suicide is only how his life ended - it's not the sum total of who he was. I make a conscious effort not to allow all of my memories of my brother to be tainted by the sadness of his death.

I found myself being really careful about who I told about my brother's suicide because I didn't want him being judged (ie, being called selfish) or my family being judged (if we had loved him more, he wouldn't have done this). Neither of these things were true, and it just added to the hurt to hear those kind of things said, but your fiance and her family might not be in the best shape to defend their brother/son right now, so maybe you can step in and take on that role. You'd be amazed at the lack of sensitivity even the most well-meaning people can display at such a time - there are a lot of people out there who have really strong negative feelings about people who commit suicide and feel compelled to let others know what they think, even in the face of so much pain.

I was lucky in that I had a good relationship with my brother - so I didn't feel any guilt-as in, "maybe if I'd been closer to him he would have talked to me about it, etc"...I agree with the other poster who said that suicide is a compulsion for some people and that there probably isn't anything anyone could do or say to change their minds once they've decided to go forward with it. It'd be good to remind your fiance of this if she seems to take on responsibility for it in any way.

Suicide is devastatingly painful for a family - to this day, nothing has hurt me more than my brother's death -but it does get better - at least it did for me. I really thought I would never have any peace around thoughts of my brother ever again, but I have come to the point that I can think of him and smile remembering the good times we had and can at least partially accept that he is where he chose to be and has achieved some level of peace, which is what I believe is what he was trying to accomplish. I will always be sad that his life ended this way, but I can now accept that it was his choice.

I'm so sorry this has happened, and I will be thinking of you all.

10-07-2005, 04:18 PM	#11 (permalink)
josie Upright Location: UK	My brother also committed suicide and I remember how incredibly important it felt to have my husband by my side through the entire thing. He was someone who knew and loved my brother and who knew how much I (and the rest of my family) loved my brother and how devastating this would be for all of us, and his presence and concern were so comforting to me and really the only thing that pulled me through. I've always appreciated my husband talking with me about the wonderful things he remembers about my brother - laughing with me about funny memories-talking about what he loved about him - so that my brother is more than just a tragic figure that noone wants to mention because it makes everyone sad. It might take a while to get to this point, but it means a lot to me to have people remember my brother as the kind, funny, guy I knew and not just this doomed person who ended up committing suicide. When someone commits suicide there's a natural tendency to focus on that event- but the only way I was able to find any peace was to remember that the suicide is only how his life ended - it's not the sum total of who he was. I make a conscious effort not to allow all of my memories of my brother to be tainted by the sadness of his death. I found myself being really careful about who I told about my brother's suicide because I didn't want him being judged (ie, being called selfish) or my family being judged (if we had loved him more, he wouldn't have done this). Neither of these things were true, and it just added to the hurt to hear those kind of things said, but your fiance and her family might not be in the best shape to defend their brother/son right now, so maybe you can step in and take on that role. You'd be amazed at the lack of sensitivity even the most well-meaning people can display at such a time - there are a lot of people out there who have really strong negative feelings about people who commit suicide and feel compelled to let others know what they think, even in the face of so much pain. I was lucky in that I had a good relationship with my brother - so I didn't feel any guilt-as in, "maybe if I'd been closer to him he would have talked to me about it, etc"...I agree with the other poster who said that suicide is a compulsion for some people and that there probably isn't anything anyone could do or say to change their minds once they've decided to go forward with it. It'd be good to remind your fiance of this if she seems to take on responsibility for it in any way. Suicide is devastatingly painful for a family - to this day, nothing has hurt me more than my brother's death -but it does get better - at least it did for me. I really thought I would never have any peace around thoughts of my brother ever again, but I have come to the point that I can think of him and smile remembering the good times we had and can at least partially accept that he is where he chose to be and has achieved some level of peace, which is what I believe is what he was trying to accomplish. I will always be sad that his life ended this way, but I can now accept that it was his choice. I'm so sorry this has happened, and I will be thinking of you all.