lurkette

I have a friend, Deb, who is a complete attention whore. She's pretty - she's got curly blonde hair, big boobs (D), and is a big old flirt/drama queen. She spent her entire adolescence trying to get as many men as possible to like her, and she still does this (despite the fact that she's married - her husband doesn't mind).

Friday night we were at a swing dance before a workshop. A few of the people there had come from out of town, and some of them had been with Deb at a swing dance workshop earlier this year in Boston. At some point, I looked across the dance floor, and there she was, sitting on the floor, surrounded by 3 of the best dancers (men) giving her back and hand and leg rubs. And I just got SOOOO mad. All of a sudden I was back in 8th grade at a high school dance and my friend Sharlet (who's also pretty, blond, and stacked) was sitting on the bleachers surrounded by all of the guys I was interested in, just hanging on every move and gesture. And nobody was paying attention to me. I felt (back in 8th grade and on Friday) so ugly and invisible. Like I'll never be that pretty, that "popular," that....wanted.

Now, part of the reason this bugs me is just good old-fashioned jealousy. And part of it is that she acts all stupid about it, like she doesn't know she's doing it. One of the guys on the floor had come to spend the weekend not knowing she was married and thinking he was, well, spending the weekend with her. And she complained about how another one would always grab her to dance after classes and never gave her a chance to dance with anyone else. HELLO?!? You encourage this behavior! Be fucking responsible!!!

Anyhow, the problem is not really her behavior. She's not doing it to spite me. She's going to do whatever she's going to do. The problem is why it bothers me so much. And I don't know. The same behavior in anybody else would probably just make me roll my eyes. But when SHE does it, all of a sudden I feel like I'm ugly, stupid, a terrible dancer, completely worthless. She wears these short skirts and low-cut shirts, and it just makes me LIVID. I could just as well say "what a pathetic cry for attention" and feel sorry for her, but I don't - I feel mad at her for being such an attention whore, and desperately sad and hopeless because (in my head) I can't wear short skirts (I have fat thighs) and I'm flat-chested and have bags under my eyes, and I'll never be able to "compete." She'll always win in the 'getting attention' game.

I feel the same way when she comes to parties. She spends the whole time being vivacious and trying to be the center of attention and hugging everyone and I feel like, introvert that I am, nobody's going to pay any attention to me so why bother? Really, there's nothing keeping me from being just as outgoing as she is except my own insecurities and my basic temperament.

So why the fuck do I care? I feel double bad because this is so petty and childish. How can I get over this so I can feel okay regardless of what she does?

Help!!!

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France