Poppinjay

One thing that would probably help is to write off the hurt. Sometimes those things that scratch and claw at us are the things we cling to most tightly because we don't know any other way. So, forget any notion that she is hurting you, intentionally or otherwise. I know it seems absurd to be told, "don't be hurt", but once you figure that out, you'll be able to work much more constructively on other problems.

Just because she's standoffish about counseling doesn't mean you need to be. You can go on your own. It won't be the solution you're looking for right now, but why not let a professional hear your concerns and your worries?

Your wife is probably drag ass tired, and she may be depressed. There's no sex while she's in that state. Short of smashing some prozac into her oatmeal, you can't do anything about that until she lets you. She's not doing anything to hurt you, she's doing what her brains tell her to do to survive.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet