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ratbastid · 09-17-2005, 07:22 PM

Thanks for asking this question and being so open about your life, ScottKuma, because it gives me an excuse to give some advice that I've wanted to give to several people here lately.

Okay, folks, time for a little lesson in Zen thought. I've noticed lots of people suffering lately, and trying to change everything and everyone around them, and I really think this will help. This might sound at first like it's pretty far afield, but hang with me because you'll like where it ends up.

First a few precepts, then some practical application of those precepts.

Precept 1: The fundamental nature of existence is change. Things are changing constantly, everything is in flux at all times. The walls around you are aging. The cells in your body are dying and being replaced, and not even at a constant rate. The sounds you hear are a function of very rapid changes in air pressure causing the cilia in your inner ear to vibrate, changing the levels of electrical signal your ears transmit to your brain--without change there is no sound. Same is true of sight--light waves are very rapid change on the electromagnetic spectrum. Without change, there's no vision. All perception is a function of change. And that's just an example--I'm talking about EVERYTHING here. Nothing stays the same, ever, it's the fundamental nature of existence. Precept 1 is All Things Change.

Precept 1a: (sort of a corollary to Precept 1) Mostly we don't notice change. You wake up one day and you have lines on your face and your house is falling down, and you're actually surprised about that. And we have no control over things changing or not, nor over how they change. So Precept 1 could be more fully stated: All Things Change, and we have no control over it.

Precept 2: Given what we saw from Precept 1, we human beings behave very strangely in the following way: sometimes things happen that we say are "good". We want those things and try to keep them, or try we to make them happen again. We "grasp" at these things. This is contrary to Precept 1, that All Things Change and we have no control over it. Other times, things happen that we say are "bad". We push these things away and try to prevent them from happening again. We "reject" these things. Again, this is contrary to Precept 1, that All Things Change and we have no control over it.

Precept 3: This "grasping/rejecting" behavior is the source of our experiencing life as suffering and burden. Things are hard or sad or difficult only in as much as we grasp or reject them. In fact, if you are experiencing anything other than freedom, joy, and power, I guarantee you there is something you're grasping or rejecting. If, however, you can live in the experience of the current moment, exactly as it is and exactly as it is not, without grasping or rejecting any part of it, you are utterly and completely free.

So my advice is: get to know your grasping and rejecting nature. Start watching your behavior from that perspective, and notice the impact that grasping and rejecting has on your experience of your life and your marriage.

You'll NEVER change her. I know that you probably know that intellectually, but given what's going on with you, I can see you don't have it internalized yet. I'm only just starting to really GET that myself, having been married 10 years. You really can't ever, ever, EVER change anybody. So feel free to quit trying.

What you CAN do is master your reactions to things. It starts by being very mindful of exactly what your reactions are, what you grasp, what you reject, what it feels like and looks like and smells like when you do it. Once you get very familiar with your reactional mechanism, you can start to dismantle it.

You know we all have a thing called an "internal monologue". A voice in our heads that offers a running commentary on everything around us at all times, and never, ever shuts up, even for a second. Stop reading for a second and listen to it. It might say something like, "What little voice? I don't know what he's talking about." THAT'S what I'm talking about!

Here's the thing: you think that voice in your head is YOU talking. It's not. You're not the one talking, you're the one listening.

Until you start looking at your own automated, scripted responses to things, you're a slave. You don't have thoughts and feelings, your thoughts and feelings have you. The good news is, you're bigger than that.

09-17-2005, 07:22 PM	#5 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	Thanks for asking this question and being so open about your life, ScottKuma, because it gives me an excuse to give some advice that I've wanted to give to several people here lately. Okay, folks, time for a little lesson in Zen thought. I've noticed lots of people suffering lately, and trying to change everything and everyone around them, and I really think this will help. This might sound at first like it's pretty far afield, but hang with me because you'll like where it ends up. First a few precepts, then some practical application of those precepts. Precept 1: The fundamental nature of existence is change. Things are changing constantly, everything is in flux at all times. The walls around you are aging. The cells in your body are dying and being replaced, and not even at a constant rate. The sounds you hear are a function of very rapid changes in air pressure causing the cilia in your inner ear to vibrate, changing the levels of electrical signal your ears transmit to your brain--without change there is no sound. Same is true of sight--light waves are very rapid change on the electromagnetic spectrum. Without change, there's no vision. All perception is a function of change. And that's just an example--I'm talking about EVERYTHING here. Nothing stays the same, ever, it's the fundamental nature of existence. Precept 1 is All Things Change. Precept 1a: (sort of a corollary to Precept 1) Mostly we don't notice change. You wake up one day and you have lines on your face and your house is falling down, and you're actually surprised about that. And we have no control over things changing or not, nor over how they change. So Precept 1 could be more fully stated: All Things Change, and we have no control over it. Precept 2: Given what we saw from Precept 1, we human beings behave very strangely in the following way: sometimes things happen that we say are "good". We want those things and try to keep them, or try we to make them happen again. We "grasp" at these things. This is contrary to Precept 1, that All Things Change and we have no control over it. Other times, things happen that we say are "bad". We push these things away and try to prevent them from happening again. We "reject" these things. Again, this is contrary to Precept 1, that All Things Change and we have no control over it. Precept 3: This "grasping/rejecting" behavior is the source of our experiencing life as suffering and burden. Things are hard or sad or difficult only in as much as we grasp or reject them. In fact, if you are experiencing anything other than freedom, joy, and power, I guarantee you there is something you're grasping or rejecting. If, however, you can live in the experience of the current moment, exactly as it is and exactly as it is not, without grasping or rejecting any part of it, you are utterly and completely free. So my advice is: get to know your grasping and rejecting nature. Start watching your behavior from that perspective, and notice the impact that grasping and rejecting has on your experience of your life and your marriage. You'll NEVER change her. I know that you probably know that intellectually, but given what's going on with you, I can see you don't have it internalized yet. I'm only just starting to really GET that myself, having been married 10 years. You really can't ever, ever, EVER change anybody. So feel free to quit trying. What you CAN do is master your reactions to things. It starts by being very mindful of exactly what your reactions are, what you grasp, what you reject, what it feels like and looks like and smells like when you do it. Once you get very familiar with your reactional mechanism, you can start to dismantle it. You know we all have a thing called an "internal monologue". A voice in our heads that offers a running commentary on everything around us at all times, and never, ever shuts up, even for a second. Stop reading for a second and listen to it. It might say something like, "What little voice? I don't know what he's talking about." THAT'S what I'm talking about! Here's the thing: you think that voice in your head is YOU talking. It's not. You're not the one talking, you're the one listening. Until you start looking at your own automated, scripted responses to things, you're a slave. You don't have thoughts and feelings, your thoughts and feelings have you. The good news is, you're bigger than that.