ScottKuma

[Mods: This might be the wrong place for this...if so, please move it.]

First of all, thanks for reading this...and thanks for offering advice, if you have any.

The Problem: My wife and I haven't had any more intimacy than a cuddle in well over 11 months. The lack of physical intimacy isn't the problem as much as the way she reacts when I even suggest sex..or anything approaching it. She gives this little sad groan that makes me feel about 2 mm tall.

Now for some background:

She and I will have been married for five years this coming October. We have a wonderful, healthy four year-old (Jessica), and an equally wonderful, but not-so-healthy three month old (Evan). Evan has a number of medical problems that have him bouncing in and out of Children's Hospital.

When we had Jessica, my wife experienced a similar drop in libido. That time, we had hardly any intimacy for approximately 15 months. It wasn't EXTREMELY destructive to our relationship, but it DID do some damage. We discussed the problem after we started again, and decided that I was being overly passive & needed to make my desire known.

When we found out we were pregnant with Evan, we had another talk, and she PROMISED me that this wouldn't happen again -- and that she would make a conscious effort to be intimate...on occasion. Plainly put, she hasn't.

I haven't pushed the issue, aside from hints / requests every couple of weeks. I'm trying not to be overly pushy/whiny. I understand that her hormone levels are a large cause of this. I also understand that Evan's condition isn't helping things, either!

My libido has always been greater than hers. Throughout this whole process, I've "taken matters into my own hands". That's gotten old...and frankly, having to masturbate is making me feel extremely ASHAMED.

Last night, we sat, cuddled, and watched a movie. Afterwards, she mentioned that the Baileys we were drinking was making her feel "most pleasant." I took a deep breath & tried again...and got the sad little moan.

I WANTED to flip. I WANTED to scream. What I did, however, was to say, "Honey, when you do that, it makes me feel completely belittled. I feel unwanted & undesirable. I love you, I want to be with you, and I DON'T want to push you...."

I was furious. And, as I usually do when I can't say anything nice, I fell silent. She started bawling. Left the bed, and ran into the bathroom. I hate it when she cries, so I went in and apologized...which in retrospect is asinine.

Why should I apologize for my feelings/desire for her? Why should I apologize when her reaction is making me feel completely shitty? Why should I apologize when I'm being as understanding as I know how to be?

I love her VERY much, but I'm about at my breaking point. I don't want to leave her, but my thoughts lately are really REALLY scaring me. I've actually thought of seeking intimacy outside of my marriage!!

I think she's experiencing a combination of post-partum depression and stress from Evan...and I know this on a logical level...but how do I deal with the emotional level of feeling undesired & unloved? I've suggested (gently, compassionately, and not during or immediately after conflicts between she and I) that she see a psychologist...which she rejects, fearing that there's "something wrong with her."

I'm at a loss.... What more can/should I do?

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