StephenSa

I've committed myself to stopping drinking. There. I said it. I've tried before to cut back, telling myself I'd only drink on the weekends but that always ended up with me having an excuse to drink first one day during the week, then two, and so on. I've finally figured out I can't drink at all. It finally got to me when I truly realized I had made my wife's life miserable. I'm not abusive or anything. I don't get belligerent and rude. I just do nothing. Alcohol has taken any drive to do anything but drink out of me. I don't want sex, I don't want to go anywhere, I neglect housework and I've let my body fall apart. I don't think my wife likes me much anymore and I don't blame her. She's pretty miserable and while I'm not completly at fault, I hold a lion's share of the blame. I don't know that even if I get my act cleaned up she'll ever see me the way she used to but maybe I can at least see her happy again and get myself healthy as well. The thing is I don't really want to tell her I've quit drinking. I've made big proclamations before but then dissapointed her. I think if I said something she'd just blow me off and I don't blame her. I'd rather show her through my actions, then in a couple of weeks when she asks after noticing I can clue her in. The tough thing is I can't go anywhere there is alcohol and our anniversary is coming up next week so I may have to change the plans I was making. I guess I'll have to tell her by then, I just don't know. I'm going to talk to a doctor and maybe see a therapist. I'm not a fan of Alcoholics Anonymous (the only higher power I believe in is my wife!) so that's really not an option. I've thought about checking out "Antabuse" so I physically will be unable to drink alcohol but I think kicking it with my willpower would be better. I'll probably post my progress on here if no one minds. You guys will give me some further sense of accountibility and looking forward to being able to say "Hey, another x number of days sober!" will help as well. It'll be a while before my wife would be impressed with any effort I make. She's been burned before. I expect to feel sick for a few days and I'm already jonesing thinking about it. I'll be irritable and anxious. In some ways I'll really be miserable but once I get healthier and start to see her happier I think I can do it. Thanks for listening. I'll let you all know how it goes.

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Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.