StephenSa

I've committed myself to stopping drinking. There. I said it. I've tried before to cut back, telling myself I'd only drink on the weekends but that always ended up with me having an excuse to drink first one day during the week, then two, and so on. I've finally figured out I can't drink at all. It finally got to me when I truly realized I had made my wife's life miserable. I'm not abusive or anything. I don't get belligerent and rude. I just do nothing. Alcohol has taken any drive to do anything but drink out of me. I don't want sex, I don't want to go anywhere, I neglect housework and I've let my body fall apart. I don't think my wife likes me much anymore and I don't blame her. She's pretty miserable and while I'm not completly at fault, I hold a lion's share of the blame. I don't know that even if I get my act cleaned up she'll ever see me the way she used to but maybe I can at least see her happy again and get myself healthy as well. The thing is I don't really want to tell her I've quit drinking. I've made big proclamations before but then dissapointed her. I think if I said something she'd just blow me off and I don't blame her. I'd rather show her through my actions, then in a couple of weeks when she asks after noticing I can clue her in. The tough thing is I can't go anywhere there is alcohol and our anniversary is coming up next week so I may have to change the plans I was making. I guess I'll have to tell her by then, I just don't know. I'm going to talk to a doctor and maybe see a therapist. I'm not a fan of Alcoholics Anonymous (the only higher power I believe in is my wife!) so that's really not an option. I've thought about checking out "Antabuse" so I physically will be unable to drink alcohol but I think kicking it with my willpower would be better. I'll probably post my progress on here if no one minds. You guys will give me some further sense of accountibility and looking forward to being able to say "Hey, another x number of days sober!" will help as well. It'll be a while before my wife would be impressed with any effort I make. She's been burned before. I expect to feel sick for a few days and I'm already jonesing thinking about it. I'll be irritable and anxious. In some ways I'll really be miserable but once I get healthier and start to see her happier I think I can do it. Thanks for listening. I'll let you all know how it goes.

__________________
Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.

JustJess

All I can say is good luck. I don't envy the road you're on. I hope you'll be able to show your wife - and yourself - a change for the good.
Therapy would be a good idea - any kind of support, whatever will work for you. We're all here too, of course, but I'd get a flesh-n-blood sort as well.
Keep writing - here or in the journals, whatever, just keep in contact.

Again... good luck.

__________________
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

Johnny Pyro

The first couple days are the hardest. You will feel sick, nausea, headache. Then when thats over its all mental. I have alot of anxiety that I never had when I was drinking. Panic attacks sometimes. You want it so bad. So bad you can taste it. Its been about 2 and half weeks and it is all I think about. It sucks. Alcohol can be bad, but so good. Damn!

Good for you, I just recently went back to my gym again. Try to get my girlish figure back.

Its really hard, but you can do it. Do it for you and your wife. Good Luck!

__________________
"From delusion lead me to truth, from darkness lead me to light, from death lead me to eternal life. - Sheriff John Wydell

StephenSa

I've been drinking pretty much six to seven days a week for about a year now. I actually tend to drink more during the week than the weekends. I think the stress of going to a job I despise leads me to drink more. Drinking was initally used to curb my social anxiety (I have a REALLY hard time in social situations w/o alcohol) but has grown wildly out of control. I don't drink at work or anything but its been a race with the devil to crawl into a bottle once work is done. The hardest part is I still enjoy it. I love the slow buzz a nice bottle (or two) of wine will give you. I love the peaty warmth a single malt scotch brings to you. I love Guinness. More than all that though I love my wife. If I can just remember that every time I start to have a drink then maybe I have a chance. If I don't kick it I'll lose her and probably myself as well. How did I ever get here?

__________________
Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.

ShaniFaye

good luck to you!! The first step is WANTING to do it, so you're past that hurdle.

Why dont you start putting money in a jar or box or something....whatever you would ordinarily spend each day on alcohol. When you're anniversary comes, give that to your wife to show her that you're really serious this time....I know that would go a long way with me...were I in her shoes

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Redlemon

Just posting here to wish you the best of luck and strength (and so that I'll see each time you update this thread).

__________________
I can't read your signature. Sorry.

quadro2000

I think just the fact that you're admitting all this to us shows that you're ready to really make a change, to cut the bullshit and to be a better husband to your wife.

When you're feeling strong, when you're feeling weak....post here. Getting it out will make it easier.

There's no doubt in my mind that you can do this.

__________________
You have to laugh at yourself...because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't. - Emily Saliers

StephenSa

Thanks for the support. Mostly I'm scared poopless that I'll fail. I'd like my wife to be proud of me though, that would be really great. I don't know that I've ever done anything since we've been together that she could be proud of. I haven't been a drunk the whole time but I haven't really accomplished much either. I mean I do all the usual stuff, keeping a job and the like, I send flowers and tell her I love her but I don't guess I've been a great husband. I should have more ambition and drive, I should help motivate her and myself and keep up my end in the bedroom as well. I really think my alcoholism has kept me from being what I could and should be. Its only been recently that I think I understand. She's tried to tell me but I didn't really "get it" until now. I've been behaving more as a boyfriend/roomate than a husband. The funny drunk guy might be a fun date but a very bad husband. I understood on some level before but now I think I see it in all its depth and its not a pretty picture. Its humbling to realize you're an idiot.

__________________
Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.

JustJess

You're not an idiot. You're just afraid. We all are (I know I am, so much, too much). But now you are realizing that this isn't the way to deal with the fear. There are better ways... you'll have to find yours.

You're going to be okay.

I like ShaniFaye's idea... that's a pretty solid, unequivocal way to show her your commitment.
Write again soon!

__________________
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

ruggerp11

I'm very proud of you, and will be proud as long as you're on the wagon. Make it happen. We got your back!

__________________
Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it.
--Mark Twain
Do What makes you happy
--Me
BUT!
"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

raeanna74

I don't know the feelings you're going through but I admire what you desire to do all the same. I will be checking back to see how things are going and rooting for you. Good Luck.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

abaya

Wow, I admire your commitment to stop drinking... that takes a lot of strength and integrity to make that stand for yourself. I hope your wife sees how much you are working on changing yourself, especially because it is out of love for her (and respect for yourself) that you are doing it.

Let us know how it goes. We are here to support you, and so is your wife.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

StephenSa

Well, its been a couple of days sans booze which is no big deal for most people but at a small accomplishment for me. I've had a headache for two days. I feel tired, and I'm a bit nauseous first thing in the morning. I'm also having trouble sleeping. Actually its a lot like a hangover which seems terribly unfair since I didn't get to enjoy the booze to cause it! Its difficult to fight the urge to stop off at the neighborhood bar on the way home from work but so far so good. If I drive right home and start studying immediately (I'm testing for a PT cert. soon) it helps take my mind off it. My wife is still glum but I'm taking her on a trip next weekend so hopefully getting away will brighten her life a little. I haven't been to the gym since I've felt so bad but I figure within a few days I'll recover a bit more and can hit it again. I'm going to hire a trainer for just a bit to get me back into a routine. If I can get myself as addicted to working out as I've been to alcohol I should be a superman in a year!

__________________
Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.

avhg1

That great! The first few days are the hardest. Each day it'll get easier. Hang in.

__________________
I shake the devil's hand daily... I'd do it hourly, but my hand gets tired.

abaya

Congratulations, StephenSa!! You are making huge steps... every day away from the substance is something to celebrate. Keep it up!!

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

ben hana

most 12 step programs state that the only thing your higher power has to be (unfortunately, most people and the literature uses "God" as a short-hand) is something greater than yourself. it can be your wife, a friend, society...anything, just as long as it encourages you to reach out for help, advice and solutions to your problems instead of trying to "go it alone". so in that sense, your wife qualifies.

you're not alone and you don't need to do it the hard way, by white-knuckling it in isolation.

best of luck and hang in there.

Daniel_

Good luck SS.

Keep up the good work.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

Redlemon

Be strong, there's a long weekend coming up. Keep yourself busy and away from tempatation.

__________________
I can't read your signature. Sorry.