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Originally Posted by ohh_shesus
The Oasis
It was another night and the same spot. The men were shooting pool, throwing darts, or perched on barstools watching the game. They all had their drinks and smokes in hand. The door would open and a lady might enter to offer a little distraction. However, women rarely came into the musty bars such as this. This place was not like the pretentious bars down the street. The air in here was smoky from the patron's smoked cigars and cigarettes, not the smoke machines. The bartender was not another blonde with pushed-up breasts and the patrons were not the Casanovas out for an easy lay. The music was from an ancient jukebox, not a DJ. The songs were mostly country and the men usually listened to these as they reminisced about their lost loves and missed opportunities. This was their oasis from life, a place where escape from life and responsibilities was possible for a while.
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Good basis here, but it seems a little cluttered by some unecessary information. For example, the sentence: "The air in here was smoky from the patron's smoked cigars and cigarettes, not the smoke machines" has too many mentions of the word "smoke". This would work if you wrote a piece that emphasized repetition, but it just seems out of place here. Of course, there's the old writer's adage: "show, but don't tell". Sentences like "They all had their drinks and smokes in hand." and "The music was from an ancient jukebox, not a DJ." are just too dry, simply telling the readers something instead of letting them conjure up an image on their own.
Here's my attempt with the same passage:
"Another night and the same spot. Men were shooting pool, throwing darts, or perched on barstools watching the game, sipping an smoking. A lady's voice might offer a little distraction, but women rarely chose musty places, opting instead for more pretentious bars down the street. Tobacco smoke lingered, welcoming all challengers. The bartender was real to the honest regulars, not just blonde hair with pushed-up breasts. Sweet, languid guitar twangs drifted from an ancient jukebox, pulling memories of lost loves and missed opportunities. This was their oasis, a brief escape from life and responsibilities."
As you can see, it's still possible to convey what you said in a more compact passage. I'm not saying it's perfect. By all means, change it and add some more details, if you feel they would add to the atmosphere you're trying to create. However, the important thing is to make each sentence count and stand out, adding new details without weighing things down. You've got some good potential there and I'm sure you'd make a great story.
Keep it up!