Working on improving my writing - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

shesus · 08-23-2005, 09:54 AM

Now that I have finished my Master's and don't have to write research papers anymore, I want to continue my creative writing. My goal is to achieve writing that lets the reader feel emotions, empathize with characters, and visualize settings. My ultimate goal is to write a story so powerful it will make one weak in the knees. However, I have a ways to go. Anyway, I will use this thread to post my quick writes for constructive criticism.

My first is focused on setting. Let me know what you think.

The Oasis

It was another night and the same spot. The men were shooting pool, throwing darts, or perched on barstools watching the game. They all had their drinks and smokes in hand. The door would open and a lady might enter to offer a little distraction. However, women rarely came into the musty bars such as this. This place was not like the pretentious bars down the street. The air in here was smoky from the patron's smoked cigars and cigarettes, not the smoke machines. The bartender was not another blonde with pushed-up breasts and the patrons were not the Casanovas out for an easy lay. The music was from an ancient jukebox, not a DJ. The songs were mostly country and the men usually listened to these as they reminisced about their lost loves and missed opportunities. This was their oasis from life, a place where escape from life and responsibilities was possible for a while.

Lwang9276 · 08-23-2005, 10:01 AM

seems great.. is their something that happens next? sounds like somethign crazy is coming up! also nice descriptions.. maybe too much? but i dont think so.. good stuff.. u should add "as they smoke they hear a ticking.. the door swings open and in an instant they knew.. it was a suicide bomber!! BOOM" lol but yea i like it.

shesus · 08-27-2005, 09:19 AM

Lwang, I am keeping it in a file to possibly add on to later. I am not sure what direction I want it to go. S suicide bomber wasn't an idea I was thinking of going, but I may do something similar. I haven't written any violent works before so that may be a challenge.
Thank you for reading!

J.R.V.A. · 08-27-2005, 10:31 AM

Nice writing...I would like to see where it goes also

Bob Biter · 08-27-2005, 10:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohh_shesus

The Oasis

It was another night and the same spot. The men were shooting pool, throwing darts, or perched on barstools watching the game. They all had their drinks and smokes in hand. The door would open and a lady might enter to offer a little distraction. However, women rarely came into the musty bars such as this. This place was not like the pretentious bars down the street. The air in here was smoky from the patron's smoked cigars and cigarettes, not the smoke machines. The bartender was not another blonde with pushed-up breasts and the patrons were not the Casanovas out for an easy lay. The music was from an ancient jukebox, not a DJ. The songs were mostly country and the men usually listened to these as they reminisced about their lost loves and missed opportunities. This was their oasis from life, a place where escape from life and responsibilities was possible for a while.

Good basis here, but it seems a little cluttered by some unecessary information. For example, the sentence: "The air in here was smoky from the patron's smoked cigars and cigarettes, not the smoke machines" has too many mentions of the word "smoke". This would work if you wrote a piece that emphasized repetition, but it just seems out of place here. Of course, there's the old writer's adage: "show, but don't tell". Sentences like "They all had their drinks and smokes in hand." and "The music was from an ancient jukebox, not a DJ." are just too dry, simply telling the readers something instead of letting them conjure up an image on their own.

Here's my attempt with the same passage:

"Another night and the same spot. Men were shooting pool, throwing darts, or perched on barstools watching the game, sipping an smoking. A lady's voice might offer a little distraction, but women rarely chose musty places, opting instead for more pretentious bars down the street. Tobacco smoke lingered, welcoming all challengers. The bartender was real to the honest regulars, not just blonde hair with pushed-up breasts. Sweet, languid guitar twangs drifted from an ancient jukebox, pulling memories of lost loves and missed opportunities. This was their oasis, a brief escape from life and responsibilities."

As you can see, it's still possible to convey what you said in a more compact passage. I'm not saying it's perfect. By all means, change it and add some more details, if you feel they would add to the atmosphere you're trying to create. However, the important thing is to make each sentence count and stand out, adding new details without weighing things down. You've got some good potential there and I'm sure you'd make a great story.

Keep it up!

shesus · 08-27-2005, 11:32 AM

Thank JRVA.
Bob, thank you for the honest feedback. I appreciate it and will work on the wording. Your take on it was good. I am quite wordy since I had to be so repetitive in research writing. It is going to take some pracitce to compact the material in a creative piece.

08-23-2005, 09:54 AM	#1 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	Working on improving my writing Now that I have finished my Master's and don't have to write research papers anymore, I want to continue my creative writing. My goal is to achieve writing that lets the reader feel emotions, empathize with characters, and visualize settings. My ultimate goal is to write a story so powerful it will make one weak in the knees. However, I have a ways to go. Anyway, I will use this thread to post my quick writes for constructive criticism. My first is focused on setting. Let me know what you think. The Oasis It was another night and the same spot. The men were shooting pool, throwing darts, or perched on barstools watching the game. They all had their drinks and smokes in hand. The door would open and a lady might enter to offer a little distraction. However, women rarely came into the musty bars such as this. This place was not like the pretentious bars down the street. The air in here was smoky from the patron's smoked cigars and cigarettes, not the smoke machines. The bartender was not another blonde with pushed-up breasts and the patrons were not the Casanovas out for an easy lay. The music was from an ancient jukebox, not a DJ. The songs were mostly country and the men usually listened to these as they reminisced about their lost loves and missed opportunities. This was their oasis from life, a place where escape from life and responsibilities was possible for a while. __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

08-27-2005, 09:19 AM	#3 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	Lwang, I am keeping it in a file to possibly add on to later. I am not sure what direction I want it to go. S suicide bomber wasn't an idea I was thinking of going, but I may do something similar. I haven't written any violent works before so that may be a challenge. Thank you for reading! __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

08-27-2005, 10:31 AM	#4 (permalink)
J.R.V.A. Junkie Location: Utah	Nice writing...I would like to see where it goes also __________________ And as she plays, her sweet song of laughter floats through the air and warms my heart

08-27-2005, 11:32 AM	#6 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	Thank JRVA. Bob, thank you for the honest feedback. I appreciate it and will work on the wording. Your take on it was good. I am quite wordy since I had to be so repetitive in research writing. It is going to take some pracitce to compact the material in a creative piece. __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

08-23-2005, 10:01 AM	#2 (permalink)
Lwang9276 Crazy	seems great.. is their something that happens next? sounds like somethign crazy is coming up! also nice descriptions.. maybe too much? but i dont think so.. good stuff.. u should add "as they smoke they hear a ticking.. the door swings open and in an instant they knew.. it was a suicide bomber!! BOOM" lol but yea i like it.