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We've divided things according to who is best at what, and who likes doing what. We both work about the same amount of time, so work vs. home doesn't really come into it. I maintain the vehicles for the most part (which involves making an appointment for an oil change), he mows the lawn because I'm allergic to grass. We share the laundry - whoever thinks about it puts it in the wash, I fold, he hangs. We pretty much fend for ourselves foodwise, though he cooks more often than I do. I manage the bills. Neither of us cleans the toilet that often, but when it happens it's usually me, or whoever we pay to come do it when we can't stand it any more.
I think there are two things at play in most couples' discontent about housework:
1. if things get broken down along stereotypical lines, women end up with the chores that need to be done constantly: cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.: it never ends! and men end up with the time-limited, flexible chores like yardwork, cars, taking out the trash. To women, this can seem pretty unfair; even if the housework is less taxing than other stuff, it takes time and needs to be done NOW! You can't feed the kids later when you feel like it.
2. speaking very broadly here, women tend to notice details more than men, and to be more invested in the state of the house. Therefore, women often end up seeing that something needs to be done before the men do, and reminding them.
I know in ratbastid's case, it would not be unfair to say that he grew up in a very traditional household and to some extent expected things to work the same way in our household. I grew up learning how to be a fucking martyr, so for a few years I played that game. Eventually we hit upon a good solution: I lighten up, he takes some responsibility. Doing work does not mean he is dominated; having to remind him to do something does not mean he doesn't love me.
I think it would be a great idea for people to trade places every once in a while and see exactly what their partner does. I don't think people who stay home necessarily realize the pressures of having to work all day; and I think people who only work don't realize how hard it can be to manage a household, particularly when there are children involved. It gets fuzzy when both people work, but it seems like communicating about it fairly would be a lot better than the quiet resentment I'm seeing in some of these posts. I think a lot of people secretly relish being put upon, and that's why they don't make an effort to change the situation. Much easier to keep things status quo and bitch about their partner than to actually be responsible for their own happiness.
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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."
- Anatole France
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