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Originally Posted by bad jane
if i were in your situation, i'd ask him to talk with her. does he have a problem with how she acts? he knows it upsets you, why does he allow it to continue? if they are friends, she should respect the relationship he is in with you.
it's not a matter of him choosing between you--but a matter of him respecting your feelings. you aren't saying they can't be friends. asking him to be clear in establishing boundaries with her (that you and he can both live with) is more than appropriate.
as for the weekend, i wouldn't tell him he couldn't go (you are his woman not his mother). but if you don't want him to go, tell him that. if he decides he's going regardless, deal with it. if he doesn't, be sure to make it a really nice weekend with plenty of twosome time!
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I don't think she cares about our relationship, I know she doesn't respect it much. I'm not sure if I explained my feelings more thoroughly last night, or if we both just needed time to think about things since the last time we talked about it. I did explain that I wasn't asking him to choose and that he can be friends with her. I asked him why he didn't have her stand up for him in the wedding as a grooms person since I turned her down as a bridesmaid. He said he didn't want her to and that she had brought it up to him before. He did tell me that he hadn't realized it was such an issue for me to see her hanging all over him when it doesn't bother me if its someone else, but since it does he is going to talk to her about it and if she keeps doing it, he'll tell her to back off. I know he will since he has stood up to her before about something else.
I didn't tell him he couldn't go. I told him he could, I just wanted to get things cleared up between us before he did. He decided not to go this weekend for several reasons: gas prices, the wedding, and so that way we have some time together instead since he usually works part if not the whole weekend. I insisted that he not stay home just because of my problems with this friend. He told me that it wasn't just my problem but both of ours. He also said it would give us some time together that we haven't had in a while. We talked for a long time and he is going to plan on a different weekend towards the end of October or early November to go and see her. He said he really wants me to go, but if I decide not to, then okay. I told him I probably would go and if I don't want to be around her I do have family I can go see while there or I'd find something else to do like Christmas shopping.
And no we haven't postponed the wedding. We do have our problems and issues but we've always been able to talk about them. We are going to work on setting up time every week no matter what to talk about us instead of work, or our co-workers, or whatever we've already covered during the week. That and to do something together to help with the wedding stress. Most of that is coming from my mother, but I'm working on that too. I really do apptrciate your advice and I will keep thinking about what all of you have said.