Eowyn_Vala

I can't decide if I'm being uber bitchy lately, too emotional, or if I have a right to feel the way I feel. My fiance has a friend from college. They were really good friends our freshman year, and about half way through when I started dating my fiance things changed a bit. His friend has always been touchy feely, but especially with him. Originally they got together as more than friends but after a few days figured out it wasn't going to work. We were all friends and still were after my fiance and I started dating. I was uncomfortable with her hanging all over him, even though she was hooking up with other guys. It always cycled through, she would hook up with someone, become less clingy to my fiance, break up with whomever, or if they weren't dating it wouldn't work out, and then she'd fall back on my fiance for everything, calling him her boytoy. Towards the end of the year my fiance and I broke up due to our own problems some of it stemming from her.

After a few weeks, we worked things out and during a conversation she asked one of my other friends how they could break us up. I was extremely upset since I still considered her a friend at this point, and so was my fiance when I told him. The next year I rarely saw her in the few months she did stay, and my fiance stayed back in his hometown instead of coming back. We visited each other a lot and she never really came up in comversation or on visits. That New Years Eve I was staying with my fiance for a few days and she came down to visit for a party. Even though she hadn't seen him in a while she was all over him, he knew I was uncomfortable with this and apologized later. I haven't seen her since then and have only talked to her twice. It was a few months later I moved in with my fiance (still boyfriend at that point) and his friend had heard from someone we were getting married. Apparently they still talked via messenger and she called to talk to both of us. I got an earful of why didn't I tell her and so on. I explained we weren't getting married yet although the topic had come up. Once we moved a few months later to a different apartment we no longer had internet so they didn't talk as much.

Occasionally she'll call and talk to him. Sometimes once a month, sometimes more often. I've always been uncomfortable with that but since they are friends I wasn't about to tell him he can't talk to her. I have no problem with any of his other friends who are girls or previous girlfirneds. Amazingly one of his previous girlfriends and I are now pretty good friends and she is one of my bridesmaids. (any problems between that bridesmaid and I lately are not b/c of him or thier past history). So earlier this summer my fiance wanted to go to Worlds of Fun some weekend. A few weeks ago he told me he was asking for this next weekend off (20th-21st) so we could. About 2 weeks ago he told me he got the weekend off and still wanted to go to Kansas City. That's all I knew or heard about until this last Friday the 19th. We had just gotten home from work, he'd had a really crappy day, so had I and we were fighting about something. Somehow the topic of this next weekend came up and he mentioned going to this friends to stay and party with her since it's her 21st b-day. He didn't take off work for me to party for my 21st which was in June. Alreay upset with him, this angers me even more. I told him I didn't want to go, he said fine I didn't have to. I told him he couldn't use my car, to which he said fine he wouldn't go. At this point I felt really bad about that because it's sort of a cheap shot. It is my car but we share everything already financially and so it wasn't fair.

Later after we'd both calmed down and apologized for fighting we talked about his friend and this weekend. I explained all the stuff above, why I don't like her much anymore or trust her at all. Especially if she is going to be drinking. He said he understood. He said he forgave me for being jealous. I guess I am jealous of the relationship they have, it seems sometimes like he talks to her more than me about things, one example would be this coming weekend. I trust him, but I don't want to go. If he goes without me I am left home all weekend without a vehicle and right now he doesn't have a driver's license since he lost his. If he gets it before then great, he's supposed to do that today. But I did tell him that I don't want him going down there alone. I really don't want to go spend time watching them continue as if nothing was ever wrong, and be nice since normally that's how I am, I sometime have a hard time standing up for myself in situations like that, but I have before. And to be honest once people get alcohol into their system, things can get pretty wild. As we both know from certain exeperiences together.

To put is simply, there is a lot of history between them. I don't like her much or trust her at all. I trust my fiance but that might get shaky with the alcohol and her hanging all over him. I don't want to go, but I don't want him to go either. I don't know what to do about all this. She's on the wedding invite list and I didn't ask him whether or not we should invite her. I did that since they are friends. When she asked if she could be a bridesmaid though I did turn her down nicely. Aside from this weekend I usually just try to deal with it. Another reason I was upset about his planning without telling me would me the $ factor. Things are really really tight right now, with the wedding in only 6 weeks and lots of things left to pay for. Rent was late this month, so were the bills, and they probably will be next month. With gas prices even higher now, I don't think this is the best weekend to go. I'm not sure if I will ever be okay with all this, but I do think I'd be less stressed and upset if he went after the wedding. Should I suck it up and deal with it? Should I ask him not to go? Should I let him go but stay home myself? I can't decide because we've never been in a situation like this. We've always been able to work out our problems by talking and compromise, and by letting the small stuff go. It seems like we can't compromise on this problem and it worries me.

And it seems like everything that can go wrong has. Has this happened to anyone else right before they were married? Or is it maybe just coincidence?

__________________
Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before.
DG: And, how am I doing?
Cain: Well, there's less *hugging* when I do it

superredhead

i don't think you should have to deal with his friend hanging all over him. she should respect the fact that you two are in a committed relationship (heck, going to be married soon!) and backoff. it doesn't seem like she's very happy that her "boytoy" is being taken away from her by another woman, but that's her problem.

i see that you've talked to your fiance and he has "forgiven you for being jealous". i think you have every right to feel the way you do. there are two sides to this coin, one being her flirtations and the other being him. has he stopped her from hanging all over him? does he acknowledge that she flirts? has he even considered what this is doing to you emotionally? if you aren't comfortable having him around her, he should definitely take that into consideration and look at the situation. you two are to be married. you don't want this girl butting into your relationship a couple years down the line when you have children and things are more complicated.

communicate to him your thoughts about how this is affecting you and also your worries about money. you two are starting a life together and the only way to get through is to communicate, communicate, communicate.

i think you are quite a calm person in this situation. personally, i probably would have already told her off but thats not exactly the best way to deal with things. good luck, and congrats on the wedding

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*yawn*

bad jane

if i were in your situation, i'd ask him to talk with her. does he have a problem with how she acts? he knows it upsets you, why does he allow it to continue? if they are friends, she should respect the relationship he is in with you.

i've not been in your position--but i have been in your fiance's. i felt it was my responsibility to handle things--yeah, my friend and i went way back, but if it made my partner uncomfy to see us being touchy feely then i felt it should stop. out of respect for him, i spoke to my friend. out of respect for me, my friend listened. if my friend hadn't, i'd have distanced myself from that friendship (granted, this wasn't just some guy i was dating--we were getting married as well).

it's not a matter of him choosing between you--but a matter of him respecting your feelings. you aren't saying they can't be friends. asking him to be clear in establishing boundaries with her (that you and he can both live with) is more than appropriate.

as for the weekend, i wouldn't tell him he couldn't go (you are his woman not his mother). but if you don't want him to go, tell him that. if he decides he's going regardless, deal with it. if he doesn't, be sure to make it a really nice weekend with plenty of twosome time!

Sage

"I trust my fiance but that might get shaky with the alcohol and her hanging all over him"

Alright, red flag. You trust your fiancee but only while he's sober and supervised. If he's left alone while drinking and has a girl he's got a history with, he might do something "bad." How much do you trust your fiancee? This statement sounds like not very much at all, and that's not a good way to go into a marriage.

Girl, I'm going to say this based off of what you wrote- I really feel like you two aren't quite ready to get married yet. It sounds like you have some communication problems that need to be ironed out BEFORE you get married. I know you have probably talked about things before, but there's a HUGE difference between talking and communicating. If money is tight, the bills are late, the rent is late, your fiancee has no buisness going off for the weekend spending money unless it's HIS money that he earned. Not joint money, HIS money.

Being married is all about responsibility, trust, and communication with your partner. It sounds like he's not acting responsibily (spending money when you don't seem to have much extra, backing out on being with you this weekend to go be with a girl he KNOWS you have a problem with), he's not being trustworthy (at least in your head- see quote above), and you two are DEFINITELY not communicating (he still hangs out with this girl, he's spending money when it's tight, he doesn't seem to fully understand how you feel) I would highly highly highly suggest you look into pre-marital counseling, either at college or through a church, or perhaps a community center. If you don't establish how you both feel and what's going on between you BEFORE you get married it is a hell of a lot harder to do it after- because if you find out you're really not compatible, you have to shell out a lot of money to amend your earlier decision.

I also don't agree with "well, she's his friend, you have no buisness telling him what to do." If he loves you, and I mean "forsaking all others" loves you, he'd not be haning around this skank that keeps coming between you, he wouldn't be letting her hang all over him, and he would be telling her to back the f*** off! He is disrespecting you and your relationship by interacting with this girl. This is an issue that you need to deal with RIGHT NOW- that's why I said go to pre-marital counseling, because you will have someone there who can help you two COMMUNICATE, not just talk or yell.

Perhaps I'm being cynical, but there's red flags all over your post. Good luck.

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maleficent

I've tried a few times to respond to this and have been having a hard time...

DING DING DING - I read that and have been trying to respond to that a few times, then keep getting distracted... Sage said it very well. Trust is trust... It's not conditional.. What if at his bachelor party, there was booze and nekkid women... do you not trust him?

I have a bit of a bias reading this thread.. because I have been the friend of the fiance... In fact I stood up for my friend when he got married... and his fiance fussed about it.. her father finally settled her down by saying (this got back to me later on -- she was his friend before you come along, and if you keep acting jealous, she'll be his friend long after you are gone.) I was a friend, nothing more, we had a lot of history together, that you can't forget.

Trust him or kick him to the curb, you can't conditionally trust him, that he's fine when there's no booze, but when there's booze... all bets are off... does that mean to say that you aren't trustworthy when you have been drinking? If this is the case, maybe you both should look at your drinking patterns.

She asked to participate in the wedding - as his friend, that's well within her rights - why did you say no? You've got problems with a nother bridesmaid, why not take one who wants to participate and would probably be very supportive.

I'm with Sage as well that it honestly sounds like you two are not ready for marriage yet... sounds like you have some issues that you need to work out before hand.

Jealousy, whether you have a real reason or an imagined reason, is a relationship killer. Either you trust him or you don't.

Most men are pretty clueless about women flirting with them, especially if it's a woman that's beenin their life for a l ong time... I could 'hang all over' my friend, and he wouldn't notice it... I would mean nothing by it.. .he was just fun to flirt with...

If you see this friend as the enemy, or someone who is going to come between you, then well, self fulfilling prophecy, she will. Figure out some sort of happy medium with her - she's his friend, why should he dump her because his wife is insecure about her... have lunch with her and find out what she's up to...

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*Nikki*

I will just list things how I see them:

You don't trust him really.

This other chic needs to take a hike.

I would be jealous also.

I was in a relationship where I didn't trust my fiance, and it ended. Now I see that because I didn't trust him,that meant that something was very wrong. In the end my instinct to not trust him was right, he did cheat on me.

Go with what you feel.

Just my .02

Eowyn_Vala

Okay I knew that I'd probably get some things confused when typing this yesterday. What I meant by the comment of trust and alcohol and my fiance, was that I trust him, I know he wouldn't do anything, but when alcohol becomes present he gets either really distant, or really horny, it depends on his mood. While I don't think he would do anything with her while drunk, I don't trust her not to try to start something while drunk and I really don't want to have to face a situation like that. Neither of us drink much at all, and I trust him with out doubt around alcohol and naked women.

The main issue of all this is rooted in the fact that during the few weeks we did break up after dating the first time for a few months, he did hook up with someone else, and also with her. At the time this hurt me and I had thought we worked all this out when we got back together. Ezpecially that I had gotten over it. After all we weren't that serious at the time, but several months later became serious. I can honestly say that I have no problem with him and any other person regardless of circumstance, or sex, or whatever, except her. And ever since we fought about this last Friday I've been thinking that maybe we do need to postpone the wedding for a while. I would really hate to do that. I keep thinking about all the people and all the time and money put into this so far. We haven't had the invitations printed yet, that is happening this week. And we haven't made any final payments on the church, hall, or caterer yet. But then I think about why I'm feeling this way and I realize that I do need to trust him completely not 95%.

I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. I am going to talk to him tonight and I am thinking about asking a third party who isn't involved with all this to be there as a counselor. I guess I'll see where this is going to go.

Thank you for reading all this. And for the advice.

__________________
Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before.
DG: And, how am I doing?
Cain: Well, there's less *hugging* when I do it

maleficent

if money is the only reason preventing you from postponing the wedding, that's the really the worst reasons... marriage is hard enough, you want to go into it being completely sure that you are ready and that this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with...

What's the worst thing that will happen if you wait 6 months... you will still love him... he will still love you... (and if that changes, well better to find out before you said I do, because it's a lot harder to walk away from)

Getting married is probably the biggest moment of your life, it will also be your happiest... make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons withthe right person.

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Eowyn_Vala

I don't think she cares about our relationship, I know she doesn't respect it much. I'm not sure if I explained my feelings more thoroughly last night, or if we both just needed time to think about things since the last time we talked about it. I did explain that I wasn't asking him to choose and that he can be friends with her. I asked him why he didn't have her stand up for him in the wedding as a grooms person since I turned her down as a bridesmaid. He said he didn't want her to and that she had brought it up to him before. He did tell me that he hadn't realized it was such an issue for me to see her hanging all over him when it doesn't bother me if its someone else, but since it does he is going to talk to her about it and if she keeps doing it, he'll tell her to back off. I know he will since he has stood up to her before about something else.

I didn't tell him he couldn't go. I told him he could, I just wanted to get things cleared up between us before he did. He decided not to go this weekend for several reasons: gas prices, the wedding, and so that way we have some time together instead since he usually works part if not the whole weekend. I insisted that he not stay home just because of my problems with this friend. He told me that it wasn't just my problem but both of ours. He also said it would give us some time together that we haven't had in a while. We talked for a long time and he is going to plan on a different weekend towards the end of October or early November to go and see her. He said he really wants me to go, but if I decide not to, then okay. I told him I probably would go and if I don't want to be around her I do have family I can go see while there or I'd find something else to do like Christmas shopping.

And no we haven't postponed the wedding. We do have our problems and issues but we've always been able to talk about them. We are going to work on setting up time every week no matter what to talk about us instead of work, or our co-workers, or whatever we've already covered during the week. That and to do something together to help with the wedding stress. Most of that is coming from my mother, but I'm working on that too. I really do apptrciate your advice and I will keep thinking about what all of you have said.

__________________
Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before.
DG: And, how am I doing?
Cain: Well, there's less *hugging* when I do it

*Nikki*

Time together to talk is always a good thing. It is amazing how things can get misunderstood by just not communicating with each other. I am glad you have worked things out

Lead543

If I were you I'd already have shaved this girls head while she slept and put her hand in a bowl of warm water...because I'm mature like that.

My theory is, girls can hit on my boyfriend. They're responsible for their own behaviour and if they want to be that kind of person that's fine with me. However, it's my boyfriend's responsibility to choose his behaviour in response. He can play along, say nothing or tell the girl that he has a girlfriend and isn't interested. If she's all over him in a physical way then he needs to say something. If she's all over him emotionally, he needs to say something. You shouldn't have to share your s/o at that kind of physical or emotional level (unless you want to that is).

Friends are friends, yea. But I dont put myself in situations with friends of the opposite sex that would make my boyfriend feel uncomfortable. Example. You shouldn't have to trust your better half in a hotel room, alone with a woman because he shouldn't be putting himself in that situation.

My boyfriend knows how I feel about this stuff, does yours? The only way he'll be able to respect your feelings is if you let him know straight out what they are.

/endramble

bad jane

really glad that you two have managed to work things out i hope you continue that process throughout your marriage!

frogger27

I don't feel that it is necessary for some people to read what I had written so I've edited.