Karsey, that's MUCH better! I really didn't mean to insinuate you were bad at poetry...i don't think many poems are ever perfect in their first draft. Anyway, the changes make a lot of difference, the pun on 'vein' is also more noticeable with the inclusion of the 'Ascension' change. Keep it up.
(by the way, as you're new here, i will suggest posting any other of your poems in the same thread. I would suggest that to everyone, i just meant as you're new you might appreciate the hint
)