My poem - please let me you know your opinions. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

karsey · 08-13-2005, 02:37 AM

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tecoyah · 08-13-2005, 03:00 AM

The form is good....thought the message eludes me.
Maybe I'm just missing it.

I read the poem three times hoping to gain insight into what you intended to say in it....and am still trying.

I do very much like the "Way" it is written though.

karsey · 08-13-2005, 03:14 AM

basically its about the soul, Man is made out of water scientifically, hence Man is Water. The poem just highlights a few challenges that Man meets. Martyrdom is used in the sense of freedom/struggle.

is this making sense?

tecoyah · 08-13-2005, 04:03 AM

Yes....now it makes sense....thanx

vonstalhein · 08-13-2005, 04:18 AM

'Tongues entangle the message
Water strangles the passage'

My opinions:
This should be the bookend stanza. Also, the syntax of lines such as 'Expansion deluges in vein' and 'Innovation barrages our loin' contrast too starkly with the much more poetic 'senses mingle with the wind' I think your message is too contrived in its present state. Say what you want to say, then make the words fit around that. Don't let the meter, or simply the aural qualities of the words you choose get in the way.

karsey · 08-13-2005, 04:59 AM

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vonstalhein · 08-14-2005, 02:38 AM

Karsey, that's MUCH better! I really didn't mean to insinuate you were bad at poetry...i don't think many poems are ever perfect in their first draft. Anyway, the changes make a lot of difference, the pun on 'vein' is also more noticeable with the inclusion of the 'Ascension' change. Keep it up.

(by the way, as you're new here, i will suggest posting any other of your poems in the same thread. I would suggest that to everyone, i just meant as you're new you might appreciate the hint

)

karsey · 08-14-2005, 05:47 AM

Thanks

I have changed the word Loin to frame to represent the Body.
Cheers

08-13-2005, 02:37 AM	#1 (permalink)
karsey Upright	My poem - please let me you know your opinions. ............................................... Last edited by karsey; 08-17-2005 at 04:09 AM..

08-13-2005, 03:00 AM	#2 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	The form is good....thought the message eludes me. Maybe I'm just missing it. I read the poem three times hoping to gain insight into what you intended to say in it....and am still trying. I do very much like the "Way" it is written though. __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

08-13-2005, 04:03 AM	#4 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	Yes....now it makes sense....thanx __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

08-13-2005, 04:18 AM	#5 (permalink)
vonstalhein Insane Location: Where You Live.	'Tongues entangle the message Water strangles the passage' My opinions: This should be the bookend stanza. Also, the syntax of lines such as 'Expansion deluges in vein' and 'Innovation barrages our loin' contrast too starkly with the much more poetic 'senses mingle with the wind' I think your message is too contrived in its present state. Say what you want to say, then make the words fit around that. Don't let the meter, or simply the aural qualities of the words you choose get in the way. __________________ No Win No Fee

08-13-2005, 04:59 AM	#6 (permalink)
karsey Upright	................................. Last edited by karsey; 08-17-2005 at 04:07 AM..

08-13-2005, 03:14 AM	#3 (permalink)
karsey Upright	basically its about the soul, Man is made out of water scientifically, hence Man is Water. The poem just highlights a few challenges that Man meets. Martyrdom is used in the sense of freedom/struggle. is this making sense?

08-14-2005, 02:38 AM	#7 (permalink)
vonstalhein Insane Location: Where You Live.	Karsey, that's MUCH better! I really didn't mean to insinuate you were bad at poetry...i don't think many poems are ever perfect in their first draft. Anyway, the changes make a lot of difference, the pun on 'vein' is also more noticeable with the inclusion of the 'Ascension' change. Keep it up. (by the way, as you're new here, i will suggest posting any other of your poems in the same thread. I would suggest that to everyone, i just meant as you're new you might appreciate the hint ) __________________ No Win No Fee

08-14-2005, 05:47 AM	#8 (permalink)
karsey Upright	Thanks I have changed the word Loin to frame to represent the Body. Cheers