Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - ADVICE HELP NEEDED: What does it mean when the ex asks if you have had sex since her

bad jane · 08-08-2005, 06:10 AM

rather than following through with the huge rambling post i just wrote up--as someone who was in this situation just a few years ago, here's what i think. she is what she said--curious. it isn't about wanting you back, it isn't about a self-esteem boost, it's about wanting to know how you are handling it all and where you are in the divorce recovery process. part of it is because she loved you enough to marry you and divorce doesn't wash away all of that--part of her will likely care about you forever. part of it is because she wants to compare where she is to where you are--not because it is a competition, but because you are the only person in the world going through exactly the same thing she is. other people are getting divorced, but you were the only two people in your marriage--so who better to relate to than you? women tend to want to talk through their feelings and while you may be able to just walk away--she might still be searching for closure. what went wrong? what could have been different? why did you/she do/not do this or that?

divorce is painful for a lot of reasons. it's difficult for a lot of reasons. but i think one of the hardest parts for me, and the least talked about issue (based on my own experiences) is the huge blow to your ability to trust yourself and your decisions. no doubt you've both questioned if divorce is the right choice. and how can you be sure? you thought marriage was the right choice and look how that turned out! is it too soon to date again? is the next relationship gonna be a rebound? even small life decisions become harder to make because you wonder what else you're fucking up without even realizing it. so you're left questioning everything in your life and the person you have relied on to help you sort out all this sorta crap is your soon-to-be-ex. the person you most want to have a heart-to-heart with, but also the person you feel least comfy approaching about it. so instead, you ask questions and attempt to feel it out without having to actually confront it all and you hope it helps.

08-08-2005, 06:10 AM	#26 (permalink)
bad jane Insane	rather than following through with the huge rambling post i just wrote up--as someone who was in this situation just a few years ago, here's what i think. she is what she said--curious. it isn't about wanting you back, it isn't about a self-esteem boost, it's about wanting to know how you are handling it all and where you are in the divorce recovery process. part of it is because she loved you enough to marry you and divorce doesn't wash away all of that--part of her will likely care about you forever. part of it is because she wants to compare where she is to where you are--not because it is a competition, but because you are the only person in the world going through exactly the same thing she is. other people are getting divorced, but you were the only two people in your marriage--so who better to relate to than you? women tend to want to talk through their feelings and while you may be able to just walk away--she might still be searching for closure. what went wrong? what could have been different? why did you/she do/not do this or that? divorce is painful for a lot of reasons. it's difficult for a lot of reasons. but i think one of the hardest parts for me, and the least talked about issue (based on my own experiences) is the huge blow to your ability to trust yourself and your decisions. no doubt you've both questioned if divorce is the right choice. and how can you be sure? you thought marriage was the right choice and look how that turned out! is it too soon to date again? is the next relationship gonna be a rebound? even small life decisions become harder to make because you wonder what else you're fucking up without even realizing it. so you're left questioning everything in your life and the person you have relied on to help you sort out all this sorta crap is your soon-to-be-ex. the person you most want to have a heart-to-heart with, but also the person you feel least comfy approaching about it. so instead, you ask questions and attempt to feel it out without having to actually confront it all and you hope it helps.