pan6467

This whole situation is crazy and seriously playing games with my heart.

My ex wife (soon to be finalized Aug 18th) and I are trying to remain friends. But lately she has been asking if I have had sex since her and I were last together in March and asking if I have anyone serious in my life. I respond in the negative.

She says she asks simply because she is nosy...... I believe there is far more to it.

It confuses me because she left me over a year ago so what should she care. I don't care what she does or with whom (as it is none of my business), yet, I'll ask her when she asks me. And she'll say no, she isn't even dating.

Then this Sun - Tues. I had a road trip and asked if she could take care of my Dinkydawg (my chihuahua) and she said ok.

So I left a key under the backdoor mat and went. She called and said she couldn't find the key and as I was in New Jersey there wasn't a lot I could do.

She called me 20 times after that on Mon. between 5pm and 12:30am (I never answered the phone because I couldn't do anything and didn't want to be upset by her).... she left only 2 messages..... 1 to tell me she couldn't find the key and to call her at her dad's and the second just to tell me to call her.

She called again, Tues. morning at 8:55, I answered, she sounded like she had either been crying or just woke up. I told her I would call the office and have them give her a key (which they did).

She called me 3 times after that, once to let me know she got in, once to say she was leaving but coming back and another just to see where I was on my way back.

Beth, the lady I was with (I took her kids to their dad's for her, and it was totally platonic), said my ex, was doing all this to get to me and because she was desperately jealous.

I dropped Beth off and went into work just to pop in on my way home and asked a co-worker/friend what he thought and he said that he believes she is jealous as Hell and is beside herself but doesn't want me to know.

I don't know, it's been over a year since she moved out and we have had sex a few times since. She gets close then pulls away fast.

I have become pretty much immune to it. I love her deeply and always will but I have moved on in that I am trying very hard to be emotionally detached and have accepted the fact we are getting divorced. I have dated and moved on, so I wish to believe.

So can anyone offer me advice and/or give me some explanations why she asks about my sex life and why she called so many times.

(PS she even called my mother to tell her how she couldn't get into the apt., my mom was like "what can I do I'm in Ashland and can"t drive." )

To me it just seems the ex isn't as ready to let go as she says she is.

Also, we IM'd today and I asked her when she wanted me to drop off her present that I got her.....

she said she was home right now......

I said I had to shower and could come over.......

she said she was going to eat with a friend (who is much like a father figure for her) .......

I said ok, maybe she could come over after......

she said no......

then I asked about our court date....

wanting to make sure I didn't miss it (I lost the paper with date and time on it)......

all of a sudden her tone changed in the way she typed....

she asked why I asked, I told her because I didn't want to miss the court date...

then she says she forgot to do something and has to leave and wham she signed out and was gone.

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I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

maleficent

My opinion...

She is jealous - however, she's behaving like many women do... she doesnt necessarily want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either.

It seems as though she'd rather have you sit home alone in a dark room pining for her, while she goes on with her life and is happy, knowing that sweet Pan is at home crying his eyes out. I'd bet it bugs her that you went off for a weekend with a woman (yes, it was platonic) but you had a good time and you enjoyed yourself... She might not be buying the platonic thing..

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pan6467

True, everyone seems to have the same opinion. Just what does it mean exactly though.... I wonder if she truly wants to get back together but is scared to admit this divorce is a mistake or what.....

And yes, if the situation were reversed I doubt I would believe it was platonic (yet on the other hand I would accept it and not have called 20+ times or tried to ruin things for her)

Would anyone believe it was platonic?

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I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

maleficent

Since it's a relationship question thread moved to tilted Sexuality:

This is probably not what you want to hear... but.... (if i didnt care i wouldn't say it)

I don't think she's scared to admit the divorce was a mistake, it's probably what she wants... but there's a part of her that wants to get out on her own. and move on and such... but also doesnt necessarily want you to move on... she'd rather keep you as a 'safety net' in case the whole moving on thing doesnt work out for her.

Divorce isn't easy, it's painful... for all parties but especially for the one who didn't ask for the divorce to begin with... You seem to be going along with it because it's what she wanted, and your love for her is why you are doing it.... (being very careful not to offend or make assumptions) You seem to be hoping that she'll come to her senses and realize that she's making a huge mistake and realize that you are indeed a good guy, and come running back to you knowing that whatever she's done will be forgiven and that you will have happily ever after. I think that only works in the movies and in Danielle Steele novels.

For the Record: I believe your friendship wiht beth is platonic... most of my closest friends are male. Should I smile and the thought of maybe, just maybe it's not platonic?

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Turbotom

Wow, that's brilliant. I think that's exactly it. She probably doesn't want you back; she's jealous of what you have, not someone else having you.

Sugar&Spice

Since she isn't dating, she doesn't want you out dating. She is behaving in a very jealous manner. She doesn't want to think of you with someone else. Once she starts dating someone, you can bet she won't be calling you all the time. I don't know if she wants to get back together. It seems like she just wants you sitting around being lonely because right now she is.

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-Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

eribrav

My opinion: Get as far away from her is possible. Cut the strings. Good for you in the short run; good for both of you in the long run.

pan6467

I've tried that and it always ends with her crying and telling me how much she needs me in her life as a friend. Truth be known, as a friend I like having her in my life. However, as lovers we are just not compatible and neither of us share the same goals in life.

She wants to be rich and never have to worry about anything.... I want to be happy living as an addictions counselor and help people. My path is not towards physical riches but more spiritual wealth and mental happiness. She I don't think knows what happiness truly is, she's scared to let herself be happy.

She once said to me, "even when I am happy I know my depression is right around the corner." She's bipolar and as with many bi-polars she is comfortable with pain and suffering and knowing happiness just ends in sadness. I see sadness as usually ending with happiness.

She's being treated and has made great strives since we were married but still lives with that mentality.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

maleficent

There's an old saying... not sure who said it - but I'm saying it now... you can't be happy wiht someone else, until you can be happy by yourself...

Sounds like she needs to figure out who she is and what she wants before she can really have a successful relationship...

It's not up to you to make her happy, she's gotta find that within herself, and maybe staying away from her for a while would be the best thing for her... and you... You know what you want and are going after it... if that involves your soon to be ex in the long run... then so be it - but right now --

to use another old phrase...

if you love somoene -- set it free - -if it comes back it's yours, if not, it was not meant to be.

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Seeker

She is just scared that you will be gone if you move on. She needs reassurance that you are there for her even though you are not together, and unfortunately she will not be reassured until you have proven that you can maintain the friendship with her whilst you are getting on with your life.

It is just a new aspect to your relationship with her, and she holds fear for this change. I would ask her straight out, does she think she has made a mistake? and would she prefer that you sit around in misery while she gets on with her life? She may not even realise why she is feeling this way. By working these questions out with her it may help her to feel a little more assured with the new direction in your relationship (from love to friendship).

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To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

Blonddie

Sorry to say it sounds like she's playing you...I think your best bet would be to cut more ties with her, until she is just barely a friend.(if that) You are moving on,you know you are not compatible with her, so just let it go. i would recommend no more sex with her, or presents, or anything unless it is necessary. Also want to add that it will be hard to meet someone else with her in the picture. Good Luck though, I hope it all works out for you.

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"There's one in every family...two in mine actually.."--- Zazu

radioguy

it's tough being friends with ex's. it's not for everybody. this might be something that is not possible with ya'll. she certainly sounds like she just wants you to be miserable and miss her all day long. good luck buddy. you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders. just keep going on with your life. it sucks, i've been through the divorce thing, but you'll be fine.

BigBen

Mal, you are a genius. It is absolutely a safety net thing.

The most fearful thing for a human (IMHO) is the fear of the unknown. This girl is afraid of all the unknown shit in the future, and if you are there for her, then at least SOMETHING in her life will remain the same, and therefore safe and steady.

Dude, she is playing you. You need space.

Or you are thinking the same thing. You are scared of the unknown (not having her there, in some way or another).

What if you search for the rest of your life and all of the women in the world will never measure up to her?
What if feelings change, and you can avoid all of the bad things in the future by getting back together?
What if...What if...

I have no advice. I am only offering my view of the situation.

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3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

Zegel

I could easily be wrong, but I got the impression from that last IM conversation that she is waiting for you to take her back (odd, I know, since she left you).

She left you, but realizes now that she might want to still be with you. However, you being so nice about the seperation might have thrown her for a loop. She may have been expecting you to actually fight for her - jump through hoops, do whatever you can to win her back, all that jazz. But you didnt do that. Instead you gave her room and let her go, and now she probably feels that even though she wants you back, you dont want her. So the roles are reversed. Thus leading to the jealousy.

Be wary of listening to my point of view though. It could be right, but if it's wrong then it would be fairly disasterous to listen to =P.

WillyPete

Who initiated the divorce proceedings?

Sounds to me like the finality of it is only just sinking in for her.

From the statement you made that you have slept with her a few times since then, it would seem that either you or/and her both feel it's ok to sleep with one another because you're both 'technically' still married even though it seems you both agree it won't work.
Is this also why you haven't slpet with anyone else? How about her?

Another point to consider is that as you are dating someone else, platonic or not, it will affect her self-esteem (particularly as you point out her psyche issues) because it will seem to her that she is easy to get over.
I'd assume that this would be why she would ask about your sexual partners, to strengthen her self-opinion that she is indeed not quite in your history yet and 'hard to get over'.

BigBen

Excellent point I had overlooked.

The longer it takes you to 'grieve' for this relationship (aka not seeing anyone else), the more it hurts. The more it hurts, the better it was.

This could very well be a barometer in which she is measuring what you two had meant to you.

Well done, willypete.

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3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

tooth

You are getting divorced. Any personal questions need to be out of bounds at this point. Get through the divorce, let the wounds heal, then work on being friends again, if that's what you want.

WillyPete

I asked, because if it were her that initiated, she might be second-guessing her opinion.
If he had started it, she might be testing to see if he might consider that he made a mistake.

World's King

What does it mean? She wants to know if you've had sex. It's simple.

Why is she asking? Cause she's your ex wife and that's her job. To be a psycho. It's simple.

Will she stop being psycho? Sure, when she meets another guy to focus on.

Should you worry about all this? Fuck no. Go out. Have a good time. She's your ex wife for a reason. Leave it at that.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Shizukana

Sounds like she just wants some Pan!

Seriously though... she may want you back, she may just be jealous, but either way, if there's a reason for the divorce, then stick to your guns. You'll be much happier in the end.

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"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it." - George Bernard Shaw

Acetylene

Has it occurred to you that maybe she was concerned about your dog?

This dog, who I assume you care about because when you bought it you assumed a lifelong responsibility for it, was without its normal care for almost two days. Your soon-to-be-ex was understandably concerned about this, plus the fact that you seemed to be willing to leave it locked in your apartment for the whole week, saying there was "not much you could do" and not even mentioning that the office could let her in until tuesday!!

I'm sorry, but being in New Jersey is not an excuse to abandon all care of your dog. You should have stayed up all night worrying, phoned the office to get her a key Monday morning at 9 am, and then anxiously awaited her call to say your dog was ok. If there was no one else who had a key, you should have gone home. Yes, you read that right. I've done that myself, twice, when animals I left in someone else's care needed me.

I'm sorry but maybe if you actaully took responsibility seriously and cared for people AND ANIMALS who loved you, then maybe your wife wouldn't have left you. Just a thought.

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There's no justice. There's just us.

Sugarmouse

Acetylenei agree i was also concerend more about the dog when i read this post i almost forgot what it was initially about!!! what happened to the dog?where was your key???






ITA with aall of this!! definitly

also there are a number of reasons why she may ask and without knowing her personally i couldnt tell u.
how dyu feel about her asking?she wiill make it hard for you to be totally over her by the sounds of it
the issue here is, are you concerend about her asking???why do you think she is?

it wasnt so long ago you split..and she may indeed ask just because she wants toknow.....ask her?!?or just look at what you want and if the situation is right..and have closure in your own mind

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Sugarmouse=Festered

pan6467

Some very good advice, thanks all.

She initiated the divorce moved out on me a week after my birthday last year.

I jumped through every hoop to try to get her back and none of them worked, I gave up and moved on.

Yes, I have had sex since her, I just worry about her feelings and so I say no. The marriage is over, I have moved on, but I don't want to hurt her ...... after all the divorce is not yet final until Aug. 18th's court gavel falls on the dissolution.

The dog is fine, and the key I still don't know where it is.

My honest gut feeling is right before the court date she will try to postpone for some reason. Maybe deep down I'd like her to so I can say no, the date is the date.... I have moved on and to be honest she's a lousy friend, it's all her and when she wants things there's never any give and take.... lol just like when we were married.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

HoneyPot

I have never been through a divorce like you, but I have been in that kind of position. Its like they miss out on what they gave up on. Him/her only gives you attention/cares what the hell you are doing, when they have the time or energy. I think she is being selfish and jealous also. Its like she knows you are moving on and hates the idea of you actually hanging out with another person. I would just say be careful with your heart and emotions. You are in charge in this situation. Be cautious.

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Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.

WillyPete

Yup, take care.

It's hard to say it, but keep your eye focussed on the goal and make sure the divorce goes through. It looks like you made up your mind and to back out could cause more trouble than it's worth.
The decision has been made and it's easy to forget what made you both sign that paper now that you are apart.

As the date draws closer, both of you will wonder whether you made the right decision, and it seems she already has.

As for not telling her, what do you think will be the reaction if she found out that you were not honest? It may do just the thing that you tried to avoid.
Were she to ask you again, personally, I'd mention that I'm separated from her and that it's my personal life that she's asking about.
You don't have to slap her in the face with it, but not lie. Just make it clear that now that you are no longer together, it shouldn't really concern her.

It's just my opinion, but I think it may make it easier for her to give it up and realise that it really is over.

bad jane

rather than following through with the huge rambling post i just wrote up--as someone who was in this situation just a few years ago, here's what i think. she is what she said--curious. it isn't about wanting you back, it isn't about a self-esteem boost, it's about wanting to know how you are handling it all and where you are in the divorce recovery process. part of it is because she loved you enough to marry you and divorce doesn't wash away all of that--part of her will likely care about you forever. part of it is because she wants to compare where she is to where you are--not because it is a competition, but because you are the only person in the world going through exactly the same thing she is. other people are getting divorced, but you were the only two people in your marriage--so who better to relate to than you? women tend to want to talk through their feelings and while you may be able to just walk away--she might still be searching for closure. what went wrong? what could have been different? why did you/she do/not do this or that?

divorce is painful for a lot of reasons. it's difficult for a lot of reasons. but i think one of the hardest parts for me, and the least talked about issue (based on my own experiences) is the huge blow to your ability to trust yourself and your decisions. no doubt you've both questioned if divorce is the right choice. and how can you be sure? you thought marriage was the right choice and look how that turned out! is it too soon to date again? is the next relationship gonna be a rebound? even small life decisions become harder to make because you wonder what else you're fucking up without even realizing it. so you're left questioning everything in your life and the person you have relied on to help you sort out all this sorta crap is your soon-to-be-ex. the person you most want to have a heart-to-heart with, but also the person you feel least comfy approaching about it. so instead, you ask questions and attempt to feel it out without having to actually confront it all and you hope it helps.

WillyPete

True.
All good points there.

There's so many sides to this. Best just to take what you've read and treat them for what they are: Different opinions.
Assimilate the data that all these other people have experienced, then with the new viewpoints that they offer you, make your decisions the best you can, as it's ultimately just your life.

Good luck Pan.

maleficent

You deserve a lot better than that -- especially in a friend... Take care of you first, bud...

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OFKU0

This is true and I'll add this bit more. The reason she is asking if you are having sex is because she is and feels guilty of it, when she thinks of you. When you say you are having sex, a burden will be lifted off her shoulders, a burden of guilt put there by herself. She needs justification that what she is doing isn't wrong, or that she is a slut, since she may feel that at times.

She has probably said things like or infered,.."that breaking up was a mistake, that things could have been worked out over time, etc,....If she hasn't said that yet, she will.

My advice. Move on and don't let her nature influence yours. When she is having a good time with someone, be it dinner, a party, sex,...you are the furthest thing from her mind. But when she is alone and bored, she is needy and since you have proven to be needy (you married her) she uses that guilded sense to make herself feel better, that everything will be o.k and when that is accomplished, she goes back to her life and forgets about yours. She is/will use you to feel better and since you are a guy, you will reassure her everything is good.

One more. Don't ask favours of her. Find someone else to do things for you.

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" In Canada, you can tell the most blatant lie in a calm voice, and people will believe you over someone who's a little passionate about the truth." David Warren, Western Standard.

pan6467

Was interesting.... Ex and I went and had dinner and rented a movie and she was very touchy feely.... putting her hands down the back of my pants, sitting as close to me on the couch as possible, putting her legs on mine.... etc.

I was very non responsive acting like nothing was happening, and in all honesty I wasn't even the least bit interested in her. In fact I was lost in the movie, "Bright Young Things".... great movie. I loved it she hated it.

When I took her home she went to hug me and instead I shook her hand, thanked her for a nice night and left her there.

Tonight truly showed me I am totally not interested at all except as friends and even then distant friends that see each other 1-2 times a month maybe.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

Sugarmouse

she evidently still has feelings for you but it may be just that she misses the closeness more. so long as she knows where she stands there is lil harm in being affectionate-bubt it may conjure up old feelings..what did she do when you didnt hug her back did she seem bothered?did she say anything?

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Sugarmouse=Festered

pan6467

No she just kind of blew it off. I just don't know. It's just very very weird.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

FngKestrel

Change your locks.

If you're intent on staying friends with this woman, you need to establish boundaries (emotional, physical, and mental) and state them clearly to her. Otherwise, she'll fall into a continuous cycle of these calling games until she's found someone else.

Sugarmouse

lol...i am not sure then.....if she tried to hug yu and u didnt respond...that is werid that she wuoldnt appear hurt or anything.....women are weird!!

maybe she were playing it cewl!!

glad you sorted it in your own mind at least anyways!!!

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Sugarmouse=Festered

superredhead

kinda sounds like shes having some serious second thoughts about the divorce. with you two being seperated she kinda is in a position where she thinks you two could get back together (and im sure the sex during this seperation period didnt help her coping with a permanent divorce). divorce makes everything really FINAL and maybe its something that she can't handle at this point in time.

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*yawn*

Elphaba

Pan, I have come to know you as a very caring person with deep regard for the potential of all of humanity. But I think you have answered your own question. The about to be Ex was not the wife or the good friend that you would wish for. I think you know that you cannot make her into something she is not.

Bi-polar disease is disabling in many ways and loss of self-confidence is merely a symtom of those issues. 20 phone calls, as I'm sure you know, indicates that mania is in the forefront. You can't possibly support her when she is outside the bounds of self-control.

You know best to what degree you can remain a supportive friend. But she has personal responsibility for her actions, doubts and fears that are beyond your influence to help. I suspect I am preaching to the choir.

Best to Pan in resolving this. I doubt it will be an easy thing.

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"You can't ignore politics, no matter how much you'd like to." Molly Ivins - 1944-2007