robot_parade

I'll have to start with the same caveat - I don't have any teenagers. But I do have a 9 y/o boy who's gonna be there sooner than I'm prepared for, and a 2 y/o girl who thinks she's already there. :-)

First, never ever go behind your wife's back regarding something about her son. Where you two draw the line as far as your parenting of the kid goes is between you two (and should be discussed before issues come up, if it hasn't already). Notwithstanding that you shouldn't go behind her back about anything, he is *her* son, not yours, so, imho, she has to call the final shots about decisions regarding him. If you find a decision she makes intolerable, you've got to work that out with her one way or another.

With the kid - I agree with others that his 'I just went there by accident/I hardly ever go there/I'll never go there again' is a standard teenager BS tactic. I remember it well. Ignore it. :-) Don't tell him or show him that you don't believe him or trust him...but don't believe him or trust him.

Here's what I would do (assuming you work out a plan with the wife, of course):

o Install monitoring software
o Tell him you reserve the right to monitor his activities online. Tell him that while you aren't going to make a point of snooping around all the time, he should get used to the fact that his activities online aren't necessarily private.
o Don't get anal or obsessive about it. As he grows up, he's got to learn to make decisions, mostly by making poor ones and getting burned. So don't go constantly checking up on him, and don't talk to him or intervene unless it is something really serious, illegal, dangerous, etc.

I'd do (and plan to do) the above with any of my kids, before any 'problems' show up. If you had such a system already, you could go and check his claim that he 'hardly ever' visits such material. And you'd probably have to go and check, because you weren't being anal about it, and because you've got better things to do than be constantly checking up on him.

It sounds like the kid has already learned to rebel enough to make his bio father basically give up on him, which makes me very sad for the kid. But from the kid's POV, it's also a sign of *power* in a way - "no one can control me, not even my dad - what is my *step*dad going to do?"

So, do you want to get in a power struggle with this 14 year old? You try to force him to do what you say, while he tries to rebel, fight back, making both your lives miserable? I think that's a losing proposition. So change the rules. Let him do whatever the hell he wants, within *very* well-defined and iron-hard parameters. When he violates the rules, make sure there are always consequences. But as much as you can, let him explore, and make mistakes, as much as possible. Acknowledge that you can't force him to do very much - but make sure he understands that you can and will restrict his freedom to a certain degree if he crosses the line.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about how much time he spends on 'the internet', up to a point. I would let him have a fairly large amount of time on the computer (*after* homework and other obligations, of course), but still have a limit.

I disagree with bear about coming down on him so hard, and about removing his computer time completely. I think that will just show him that you don't trust or believe him at all, and he'll just have to find another way to rebel. Maybe next he'll be sneaking out, or doing drugs, or stealing from you, etc. I very much agree with bear's sentimant of being very firm - just not very restrictive. Anyone locked in a box will struggle to get out - but put them in a bumper car arena with walls just as strong and they'll have a blast. I just think the more you tighten your grip, the more he'll fight back, until you're both miserable - especially since it sounds like neither your nor his mother have much of a track record with him.

Most importantly you and your wife have to work out a strategy, and be consistant between you. Remember that to make his dad miserable enough to get to the point that he kicked his own son out, the kid was probably pretty miserable himself. He may be looking, in a way, to see if he can make you and his mom give up on him too. So he's probably going to do dumb, self-destructive, hurtful, rebellious, and dangerous stuff. And he's getting to a scary age where he can pretty easily do himself permanent harm, which is really scary.

Also, try your darndest (you and your wife) to find things that you can be involved with him - even if it's on the 'puter. If you've got two computers, maybe there's an online game you two could play at the same time, or something. Maybe he likes (or would be willing to try) hiking, fishing, camping, baseball game, etc, etc. While most 14 y/o would rather be caught dead than 'out' with their parents, maybe you can find an activity that won't be too mortifying for him to do with his 'crappy family'. :-)

-RN