Hey folks - sorry I never checked back in. Thank you, all of you, for your support and advice. It made me feel so very good to have so many people pulling for me. I love this place
So D basically decided she didn't want to be with the other woman if it hurt me, and would be horribly jealous if I ever wanted to be with another woman. We basically talked and made up, and decided that our friendship is the most important thing. But I also had to deal with my constant drive to make other people prove they love me. It makes her feel (and made ratbastid feel, when I used to do this to him) like nothing they do will ever be enough to prove to me that they love me, so why the fuck bother? Anyhow, things are all good, and I can honestly think about her being with someone else without getting violently ill. I found that it worked to think about why I wanted to start being non-monogamous in the first place, which was to expand my capacity for love - love that wasn't jealous or trying to prove anything or trying to make up for some perceived lack in myself.
Since all this happened, ratbastid has decided that he can be okay with the two of us (me and D) being together, and we've had the opportunity to make out a couple of times. We're not making it exclusive, and I'm not making that mean that she doesn't love me enough. Frankly, I kind of look forward to making
her jealous with some other woman
/evil And the whole thing makes me incredibly horny, so ratbastid is reaping the benefits