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I can't say I have any experience in polyamory, and the dynamics of multiple relationships. Not that I'm not open to them... but I doubt my wife would be.
I really like maleficient's answer 'you're in love with the idea of her'. Or at least what your ideal relationship with her would be. Unfortunately, she's not comforming to that ideal and seems to be struggling against it, to a certain extent.
You want it to be on one level, where she's perfectly happy to have it on a much more superficial level, and it is causing you strife.
I don't like telling people what to do. I don't like 'You should do xxx' advice. I usually just try to reflect the situation, perhaps in different words with an outsider's point of view in hopes it will give some light on the situation.
But just because one person chooses not to love you the same way you love them has nothing to do with your lovability. As a metaphor let's look at mashed potatoes. Some people hate mashed potatoes. Can't stand them. But I love them... so mashed potatoes are extremely lovable by my standards, but not others. Especially when I can slather them in butter and sour cream and savor each bite.
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KingOtter
You can't push on a rope.
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