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Rodney · 05-20-2005, 06:38 PM

There's a thin line between "settling" and "using." I think the difference lies in whether you're willing to put some work into the relationship and make some compromises, versus just marrying somebody to make your life easier.

I know a woman in her '40s who "settled" by marrying a guy who was entirely unlike her; mind you, he was the one pressing the issue. She married him for both emotional and practical reasons: she didn't want to be alone as she grew older, emotionally, and practically it's a lot easier to survive though old age with a partner rather than on your own.

On the other hand, I knew a women who married a younger man simply because she was tired of working. That's using.

Guys definitely "use," too. In my younger days I hung out with a group of overeducated and underemployed single 40ish guys in San Francisco. They all went to activities at the local Unitarian Church because it was a good place to meet women their age. The women tended to be divorcees with money, and I used to laugh when these guys would rag on and on in frustration about "the Unitarian women:" "they'll go out with you, they'll go to bed with you, but they won't marry you!" These down-at-the-heels guys would have been willing to settle for any half-decent Unitarian women with money to support them, but the Unitarians weren't buying!

You might say my mom settled, after my father died ten years ago. In her senior mobile home park a lot of widows and widowers get together. She married a guy older than her -- they're both in their 80s -- because neither wanted to be alone. But they get along fine, even though they're very different. They work at it.

On the other hand, a couple of other senior marriages in that park didn't work out so well at all. In both cases, the guy lost his wife and immediately went out to try to find a new one. But all these guys were looking for were housekeepers, somebody to take care of them like the old wife did. After the courtship was over, there was no emotional interest, and even some abuse. That's using. And the women are unhappy.

05-20-2005, 06:38 PM	#22 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	There's a thin line between "settling" and "using." I think the difference lies in whether you're willing to put some work into the relationship and make some compromises, versus just marrying somebody to make your life easier. I know a woman in her '40s who "settled" by marrying a guy who was entirely unlike her; mind you, he was the one pressing the issue. She married him for both emotional and practical reasons: she didn't want to be alone as she grew older, emotionally, and practically it's a lot easier to survive though old age with a partner rather than on your own. On the other hand, I knew a women who married a younger man simply because she was tired of working. That's using. Guys definitely "use," too. In my younger days I hung out with a group of overeducated and underemployed single 40ish guys in San Francisco. They all went to activities at the local Unitarian Church because it was a good place to meet women their age. The women tended to be divorcees with money, and I used to laugh when these guys would rag on and on in frustration about "the Unitarian women:" "they'll go out with you, they'll go to bed with you, but they won't marry you!" These down-at-the-heels guys would have been willing to settle for any half-decent Unitarian women with money to support them, but the Unitarians weren't buying! You might say my mom settled, after my father died ten years ago. In her senior mobile home park a lot of widows and widowers get together. She married a guy older than her -- they're both in their 80s -- because neither wanted to be alone. But they get along fine, even though they're very different. They work at it. On the other hand, a couple of other senior marriages in that park didn't work out so well at all. In both cases, the guy lost his wife and immediately went out to try to find a new one. But all these guys were looking for were housekeepers, somebody to take care of them like the old wife did. After the courtship was over, there was no emotional interest, and even some abuse. That's using. And the women are unhappy. Last edited by Rodney; 05-20-2005 at 06:42 PM..