Sage

Spinning of from a discussion in Tilted Sexuality, Martel and I have been debating for the past few days if men, indeed, "settle" for a woman. What I mean by this is: some women, thinking they can "never find anyone else who will love me" will just "settle" for being with a guy, even when he's not the greatest for them. I think that some men do this as well, but Martel says that guys don't "settle" for a woman the way that women "settle" for men. What do you guys think? Do men "settle" with someone that isn't that great for them or do they keep trying to find a woman who really compliments them?

Oh, and please tell us if you're female or male, because I think the perceptions of each gender will bring much to the discussion.

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Martel

just as a point of clarification, my position was that guys don't settle for women that they don't really think are great, aside from issues such as dependent personality disorders and things like that.

In my experience, guys don't ever wake up in the morning and look over at the woman next to them in bed and go man, she's not that great looking, but its better than nothing. At least not if the relationship is on a long-term basis. Sure, I've heard of guys hooking up just to "get some" and then not being particularly proud of her in the morning, but things like that aren't serious relationships, which is what we were talking about.

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Anamnesis

MSD

People take what they can get all the time. It's not gender-specific, and it usually has to do with the notion that they can't do any better.

ShaniFaye

I did that with my first husband, 13 years later I met the one I was meant to be with

I dont regret it though because I have the best daughter in the world and Dave says he couldnt ask for a better step daughter

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

streak_56

I waited and made sure. I would never "settle" for someone I wasn't happy with. Love is too tricky for me to "settle" with anyone.

muttonglutton

I think they do.

To me it seems like every divorce, and every unhappy marriage is the result of one or both of them not understanding what they want, or not being 100% sure of their partner when they begin.

I've ever met only one girl that I ever thought, even for a moment, that I could live an entire life with. It seemed then, and it still seems now, that anyone less than her* would be considered a 'settle'. And that's a notion I don't particularly enjoy. I don't ever want to settle, and I fear the day it becomes my only choice, rather than live on my own.

* Not that she's 'more' than anyone in general, but she was 'more' of what I wanted in one girl than I had ever seen before.

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Cellar Door.

maleficent

Last person I dated, I know was settling for me... Desperation to not be alone and not want to deal with your own self makes people do strange things. I should have gotten a thank you from this person for leaving.. but alas... didn't happen.

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OFKU0

I'd thank you. It's just proper.

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" In Canada, you can tell the most blatant lie in a calm voice, and people will believe you over someone who's a little passionate about the truth." David Warren, Western Standard.

StanT

There's a difference between realizing that Ms Perfect doesn't exist and settling.

I'd never settle.

tecoyah

Settled without knowing it at first (ignorance) divorced/remarried.....learned my lesson well.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

abaya

Can you say more, StanT? I'd like to hear a guy's take on this.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

guthmund

I think it has more to do with these folks being so afraid of living life alone or opportunism rather than gender.

That being said, I believe men and women settle for different reasons. I don't think men settle in the conventional sense, I think, for the most part, they (men in general as there are exceptions, no doubt about it) keep one foot out the door in case something better comes along.

My father loved my mother but screwed around when things got rough. The second woman he lived with he loved until a woman at work turned his head, again when things got rough. He lives with a third woman right now, but calls my sister (she's the only one who listens to his shit) to cry about his problems and how he feels "stuck" in this relationship.

One of my former bosses traded his first wife, for a woman with a little bit of money because he wanted to start a business. Once he had a bit of money, he traded her in for a younger model with a son, because he wanted to be a family man.

So...women settle for men because they don't think anyone better will come along. Men tend to 'love the one they're with' until something better comes along.

As a man, I find the whole thing detestable. Settling, be it man or woman, for any reason is just silly and I'd never do it. Not because I have some far fetched notion of Ms. Perfect, but rather because I'm quite comfortable being alone and find the notion of using women as stepping stones distasteful.

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No signature. None. Seriously.

oblar

yes, i think men settle as well as women, but to me it is more of something done for friendship.. being able to be around the person more often, strictly in a friendly manner (see: not "friendly")... fear of being alone is a powerful thing.

BalloonKnots

I think the older you are the more likely you are to settle, regardless of gender. For example, if a 20 yr old guy is with a girl that he's not crazy about, then he'll probably dump her. Say that guy is now 50 and has been searching for Ms Right for the last 30 yrs, and he meets a girl who he isn't that crazy about. There would be a good chance that he might just 'settle' for her just because his window of opportunity is not as great.

StanT

It' s not like you can take out a checklist and have a significant other built to order. Real women (and guys) are unique individuals with flaws and ideosyncracies. Loving someone in spite of (or because of) their flaws is what I meant.

As much as I may have wanted a rich, super model, nymphomaniac as a partner, it wasn't going to happen. I'm not sure I'd call marrying my middle-class, attractive, nymphomaniac wife, "settling". I'm a lucky guy.

little_tippler

I agree that "settling" is not gender-specific and it happens all the time. But it having to do with the notion that they can't do any "better"? Now that's a word that I think shouldn't come into play if you're looking for love. When you love someone, you don't keep searching for something better - it's not about having the best girl or guy you can get your hands on. At least not for me...

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

minyn

settle and accept the differences and that which clashes among friends. for lovers tho, its more knowing that which you settle for is resorting to mediocrity and thus lower standards and in essence, they become that filler which will never be filling.

in other words, i wont settle for anything less than happiness, butterflies, and knowing that if im told its going to be OK i will believe them. theres a line between accepting, appreciating, and settle for less than perfect.

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Lead543

Both women and men settle. Men can be just as afraid of being alone forever as women. Insecurity and desperation knows no gender.

Woops, posted too soon.

I think some people go out into the world expecting to find their ideal mate. Streak_56 has a lot of traits I like and a few I don't really like. The important thing is I realise we both come with imperfections. I'm not settling, I'm being realistic. My boyfriend has a lot more good about him then bad, he'll never be perfect, but I'll never be perfect. We compliment each other quite well and I've never felt as though I was missing out on something better, to me, there is nothing better.

MoJoPokeyBlue

I think that perhaps women stop and evaluate their lives more often than men do. During this "self review", women make some comparisons about their mates that men usually don't think of.

MoJo

Cynthetiq

the lady i lived with prior to Skogafoss asked me the question:

"Are you wanting to marry me because you are settling?"

and after looking into my soul I found that I wasn't so much settling, but I was "doing the next steps." Not because I wanted to, but because it was the next step, since we dated, we moved in together, what's next? engaged and then married....

Did I settle for Skogafoss? In short, yes I did settle for her. Because that's what the implication is, I stopped looking and I decided conciously to not date anyone else.

But the long answer, is that I did not settle because because I realized after dating other people that I did not want to be without her. The others, eh, I didn't care.

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hunnychile

Men settle as often as women do. You feel lonely and getting tired of the chase and you happen to meet a person who makes life seem to feel good again...as simple as that. It's not such a bad thing. But it doesn't mean that this is the end of the magic.

You soon realize that it was great and comfortable for that time and place.

But after many years you realized that yes, you settled. And now what?

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"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

Rodney

There's a thin line between "settling" and "using." I think the difference lies in whether you're willing to put some work into the relationship and make some compromises, versus just marrying somebody to make your life easier.

I know a woman in her '40s who "settled" by marrying a guy who was entirely unlike her; mind you, he was the one pressing the issue. She married him for both emotional and practical reasons: she didn't want to be alone as she grew older, emotionally, and practically it's a lot easier to survive though old age with a partner rather than on your own.

On the other hand, I knew a women who married a younger man simply because she was tired of working. That's using.

Guys definitely "use," too. In my younger days I hung out with a group of overeducated and underemployed single 40ish guys in San Francisco. They all went to activities at the local Unitarian Church because it was a good place to meet women their age. The women tended to be divorcees with money, and I used to laugh when these guys would rag on and on in frustration about "the Unitarian women:" "they'll go out with you, they'll go to bed with you, but they won't marry you!" These down-at-the-heels guys would have been willing to settle for any half-decent Unitarian women with money to support them, but the Unitarians weren't buying!

You might say my mom settled, after my father died ten years ago. In her senior mobile home park a lot of widows and widowers get together. She married a guy older than her -- they're both in their 80s -- because neither wanted to be alone. But they get along fine, even though they're very different. They work at it.

On the other hand, a couple of other senior marriages in that park didn't work out so well at all. In both cases, the guy lost his wife and immediately went out to try to find a new one. But all these guys were looking for were housekeepers, somebody to take care of them like the old wife did. After the courtship was over, there was no emotional interest, and even some abuse. That's using. And the women are unhappy.