Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Should emotional love overide body issues? I have an issue.

Cimarron29414 · 05-13-2005, 11:48 AM

You value physical attibutes. You value them on yourself and on others. You chose to marry someone that does not possess some of the qualities that are important to you. She values frequent sex. She chose to marry someone that does not possess some of the qualities that are important to her.

Eventually, in order to have a successful marriage, you will both have to compromise on this issue. You will have to let some of the physical stuff go and she will have to work a bit to improve her health. Consequently, you will have to improve your sex drive and interactions with her, and she will have to manage her expectations regarding frequency. However, you are both a LONG way off from that, so let's start from where we are...

She may need time to get over what you said, even though I believe you meant it without malice. She spent a year saying, "You don't want to have sex with me because I'm fat, just admit it!?!?" She was picking a fight with the question - she phrased the question in a way to find fault in you, rather than to find room for improvement in her own life. You were dishonest with her for a year and you withheld information from her that would allow her to improve her marriage - and that was wrong. So, it is pretty clear that the two of you have a long way to go in learning to communicate with one another. This comes with experience and is person-to-person specific. When you have been married 3 years instead of 1, it will be much better - it just takes time.

So, as far as "repair tactics": I would stop apologizing and reaching out. It is serving only to magnify the perceived transgression. I would remain kind and courteous. I would mention occasionally that you miss her, but that's all. I would stay out of her way and allow her to return to the bargaining table when she is ready. Once there, you should focus solely on ground rules for communication.

Rules should include:
"When this occurred, I felt like ....."
"Thanks for sharing. What I heard from you just now was.....is that correct?"
"I feel as if I am becoming upset, I think we should take a break from this for a while."
etc.

Secondly, you should definitely address lifestyle issues. It sounds to me as if you both suffer from depression. Your food choices will feed this depression - high fat, high sugar, high caffeine, high alcohol will drain the body and soul. You both seem to recognize your unhealthy lifestyles, so fix things. However, each of you must make that commitment to yourselves, rather than to each other. You will fail if you do it "for" someone else.

Finally, you need to learn to become each other's best friends. Clearly, you are not. This comes from truly understand each other's hurts, worries, and triumphs. You need to talk about your life in a way that you AND she understand why you are wired the way you are regarding sex and body image. She needs to do the same thing for you.

You need to create NEW hobbies together that neither of you tried. Dancing, walking, cooking classes, musical instruments. You need to learn some new things together, rather than trying to bring her into your hobbies or vice versa.

You need to put your marriage in front of the children - a child will grow up better when a marriage is strong. A strong marriage can not be achieved if children are put ahead of the marriage. Others will argue with me on this point, but I believe many marriages are failing because people allow their children to run the household.

Sorry, for the thesis - I will stop now.

05-13-2005, 11:48 AM	#17 (permalink)
Cimarron29414 Still Free Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!	You value physical attibutes. You value them on yourself and on others. You chose to marry someone that does not possess some of the qualities that are important to you. She values frequent sex. She chose to marry someone that does not possess some of the qualities that are important to her. Eventually, in order to have a successful marriage, you will both have to compromise on this issue. You will have to let some of the physical stuff go and she will have to work a bit to improve her health. Consequently, you will have to improve your sex drive and interactions with her, and she will have to manage her expectations regarding frequency. However, you are both a LONG way off from that, so let's start from where we are... She may need time to get over what you said, even though I believe you meant it without malice. She spent a year saying, "You don't want to have sex with me because I'm fat, just admit it!?!?" She was picking a fight with the question - she phrased the question in a way to find fault in you, rather than to find room for improvement in her own life. You were dishonest with her for a year and you withheld information from her that would allow her to improve her marriage - and that was wrong. So, it is pretty clear that the two of you have a long way to go in learning to communicate with one another. This comes with experience and is person-to-person specific. When you have been married 3 years instead of 1, it will be much better - it just takes time. So, as far as "repair tactics": I would stop apologizing and reaching out. It is serving only to magnify the perceived transgression. I would remain kind and courteous. I would mention occasionally that you miss her, but that's all. I would stay out of her way and allow her to return to the bargaining table when she is ready. Once there, you should focus solely on ground rules for communication. Rules should include: "When this occurred, I felt like ....." "Thanks for sharing. What I heard from you just now was.....is that correct?" "I feel as if I am becoming upset, I think we should take a break from this for a while." etc. Secondly, you should definitely address lifestyle issues. It sounds to me as if you both suffer from depression. Your food choices will feed this depression - high fat, high sugar, high caffeine, high alcohol will drain the body and soul. You both seem to recognize your unhealthy lifestyles, so fix things. However, each of you must make that commitment to yourselves, rather than to each other. You will fail if you do it "for" someone else. Finally, you need to learn to become each other's best friends. Clearly, you are not. This comes from truly understand each other's hurts, worries, and triumphs. You need to talk about your life in a way that you AND she understand why you are wired the way you are regarding sex and body image. She needs to do the same thing for you. You need to create NEW hobbies together that neither of you tried. Dancing, walking, cooking classes, musical instruments. You need to learn some new things together, rather than trying to bring her into your hobbies or vice versa. You need to put your marriage in front of the children - a child will grow up better when a marriage is strong. A strong marriage can not be achieved if children are put ahead of the marriage. Others will argue with me on this point, but I believe many marriages are failing because people allow their children to run the household. Sorry, for the thesis - I will stop now. __________________ Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly." Last edited by Cimarron29414; 05-13-2005 at 11:53 AM..