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on being a manager
ok... this may become a rambling dirge of self pity... I'll try to keep it short.
8 months ago I was promoted to "team leader", which basically means a supervisor, with a team of 5, which has now become a team of 9. I work for a very small subsidory company of DHL (which is a part of Deutsche Post) - my dept basically teams with transaction polling and processing, and billing - it isnt really that interesting what I do anyway.
The thing is, I really think I am not getting it, in terms of being a genuine supervisor. When I came into the dept I didnt really know a lot about what they did, although I had been in the business for 3 years, so I understoof the context and basics. WIthout trying to be boastful or arrogant or anything, I would say I am now the technical expert in the department, in terms of the software and hardware we use, and I probably know more about it - especially the polling of POS's than any one person in the company ever has. (Im also the companies expert in 8th and 13 directive VAT reclaim which is even duller)... but anyway, I feel like really I have become something of a technical specialist, but in terms of helping the rest of the team, mentoring.. I just dont seem to be getting anywhere, mostly cos I am so boged down in crap I never have time.
Almost any technical problem they bring me, I solve - but the problem is I just tend to do it rather than show them, Im not any good at delegating work Im working 15 or so extra hours a week minimum, and everyone else is going home on time. I really do care about the people I work with, and I do everything I can to protect them, but I think really I am just hindering them, by not helping them develop. I can see a lot of things that I am doing wrong... but I just dont seem to be able to change my patterns, I just try and take more and more on myself, and leave them with the routine stuff that wont stretch them at all... but I am not being really productive, or helping them, or leading all the projects MY manager wants to, because I am just doing everything ackward or complex, or dealing with horrible customers or suppliers to protect the team from having to.
My line manager is now telling me I cant support him how he wants cos he is too scared to throw more work at me, I know that the people below me are kind of running on 80% and Im running on about 130% - Im getting tired and stressed cos of the hours Im doing, my desk looks like a fucking bomb site, everyone in the company has the perception that the people in my team are lazy (because of the amount Im doing...)
I just dont know.... I can see the faults, but obviously Im just not getting it - I always knew I would pick up the technical side of the job relatively easily, but the "people" side would be hard... and its proving that way. I just dont know what I should change? If I just withdrew completely from the day to day, I'd feel like I wasnt pulling my weight and I know there are some things the guys wouldnt cope with - I guess Im suffering from "I will do it so I know it gets done right" rather than trusting or empowering people more...
I just feel like Im getting nowhere, and for the first time I really feel like Im failing.
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"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."
The Gospel of Thomas
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