I went for a security check for a higher clearance level. Part of that is a standard Criminal Records check.
I was in uniform, and this was a slam dunk. Never been in trouble (or, proper fucked, as someone said above,
I realized later that it was the exact wrong moment to make a joke, but I am an idiot...
I walk up to the front desk at the police station and announce (with a smile on my face) "I'm here to turn myself in!"
The cop doesn't get the joke... "What is your name?"
I reply, without the smile now "Naw, I'm kidding, I need a record check please."
The cop doesn't change expression... "What is your name?"
I tell him, he punches keys on a keyboard so slowly it shows he pre-dates computerized policing.
"Just one second." He looks at me. HARD. Remember I said I was in uniform?
Several cops come from around the corner. They stand there, not saying anything, just staring at me. One guy puts his coffee down, to free up his pistol hand. I am not laughing anymore.
"Can you spell your name for me please, in full?" The old man and the computer must have pushed the wrong button.
"Ooooookay, it is ____________. Is there something wrong?" Oh fuck. Did I get drunk and do something stupid? Is that time I showed up for duty late on file there? Wait a second... I am innocent. I didn't do anything!
"What is your birthday, Ben?" He is staring at me, with at least 5 cops behind him. One cop has stopped walking and looks at me, and I notice he has positioned himself between me and the exit. What the Fuck? These guys have no sense of humour whatsoever.
Suddenly everyone relaxes. A couple of guys laugh, but not my new computer friend. "There is a guy wanted for Armed Robbery, Sexual Assault, and Assaulting a Police officer in Edmonton. He has your exact name, spelling and everything."
Kids, remember that there are some situations in this life that are naturally inappropriate to make a smart-ass remark. Thank god the guy was about 50 years old, or I would have been kissing floor right about the end of spelling my name. I am an idiot.
It took about 2 hours of explaining what happened to about 5 different cops before they let me go.
You have a long way to clear your name if someone got your SIN, birthday and everything. I am sorry for the trouble you are about to go through, but remember, it is not the person behind the counter that stole your identity, so remain calm and polite at all times. Your frustration will compound itself if you get upset with the different government agencies that you will have to contact.
Good luck. Don't make jokes.
I am an idiot.