Maybe one day you
will be able to tell her. When I was in high school, my brother had a heroin problem and I told him all kinds of mean things when I found out. It hurt me a lot that he never wanted to be close to me in the ensuing years, but I never knew how much I had hurt him with what I said. He finally told me on Christmas last year. I was very surprised and relieved to find out that he had been thinking about it and we were able to have somewhat of a breakthrough, even though he is still the brother with whom I have a "special drama" as I like to call it. I hope that one day you are able to express to your mother the ways that she has hurt you without inducing irrational behavior from her (or being irrational yourself). But you'll know when that day comes, and it sounds like you know that today is not quite that day.
As for your brother... well, special drama lives forever. It's all about baby steps.
