The government is closing in on Bill Gates in the Microsoft antitrust trial. If Gates has to do time, he may get a taste of his own medicine when Big Louie in Cellblock 3 tries to forcibly install his "Inmate Explorer."
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing debate about who managed to get the most use out of his computer. This had been going on for days, and God finally had enough of it. So He set up a test: whoever could be the most productive after two hours on the computer would be the winner.
So down they sat at the keyboards and began typing. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent out e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They uploaded. They made cards. They did every known job and several unknowns.
But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, lightning flashed, thunder rolled, and the rains came down hard. Of course, the electricity went off.
Satan was furious. When the electricity came back on he screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off! What am I going to do?"
Jesus, however, just sat and smiled. He turned his computer back on. The screen glowed, and when he pushed "Print", all his files were still there, printing out.
"How did you do it?" Satan asked.
"Jesus saves."
Useful Computer Acronyms
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defunct Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
VRML: Very Ridiculous Marketing Language
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
Top 5 reasons why computers must be male
They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment
They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention
They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but won't do more than they have to and never think of it on their own.
After they've invested so much in an old model, some users feel compelled to remain with an obsolete system
They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a connection
Top 5 reasons why computers must be female
No one but their creator understands their logic
The message "Bad command or filename" is as about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, I'm not going to tell you."
The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference
Top 10 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
10 Can't stick your head out of Windows '95
9 Fetch command not available on all platforms
8 Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit
7 Can't help attacking the screen upon hearing "You've Got Mail"
6 Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway you're browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working
5 Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software
4 Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging
3 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
2 Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver
1 Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms
What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support
How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just redefine darkness as the industry standard
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your word processor?
There's White-Out all over the screen.
I thought these were kinda funny
